A Secretary, A Hedgehog, and True Love
Status: Completed
Rating: E
Posted: 04/14/2020
Finished: 04/30/2020
Word count: 2,162
Characters: Sonic the Hedgehog, Pam Beesly, Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Sans Undertale, Ninja Fortnite (aka Tyler Blevins), Fred Figglehorn, Sheldon Cooper
Chapter 1: Sonic POV
“Woohooo!”
I love running at night. The wind on your face, in your fur, is just an insanely good feeling. On top of that, there’s rarely anyone around, so I can run for miles and miles on the freeway without getting caught.
Pennsylvania is a pretty great state too. Just tonight I’ve passed through Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Harrisburg, and several others.
Right now, I’m passing through a town called Scranton. While running, I spy a large building with I sign saying ‘Dunder Mifflin.’ They’re both so weird of words that I have to pause and look at them closer. At first I thought I misread. All of a sudden, there’s a honk from behind me.
I whip around, and all of a sudden I feel electricity building up around me. If the car hits me, the electricity will release, and take out an entire city block!
I try to will myself to move, but I can’t. The power... it’s to much for me to contain. All I can do is stare at the car until....
Chapter 2: Pam POV
Knock Knock Knock
I spring awake and look at the clock. 2:13 AM. Who would be up at this hour? I push the blankets aside, stretching and yawning. I walk out the door and towards the front door. The knocking persists. I reach my hand towards the door, and turn the knob, wondering who it could be. There’s a man outside whose just a few inches taller than me. He steps into the light.
“Oh, Hi Michael!”
“Pam... I have some bad news... it’s about Jim.”
I stagger backwards. “What?”
“He.... He’s dead, Pam. There was a blue explosion downtown. Took out the entire city block. All that was found in the remains was Jim’s ID card, the Dunder Mifflin sign, and some blue hair.”
All of a sudden, I’m very light headed. I start to fall, when all of a sudden something catches me. It pushes me back up, and I whip around to see who, or what, it is.
Chapter 3: Sonic POV
Holy crap is this lady HAWT! I can see why that guy was head over heels for her.
“What the heck are you?” She exclaims. She could be a little more gracious, I just caught her from falling over.
“Sonic’s the name, and speed is my game. I just heard about what happened to your hubby and wanted to send my condolences.”
Some weird looking guy looks around her at me. “How did you know, the crash happened five minutes ago.”
“I, uh, was passing by and heard you talking. Your pretty loud, you know.” The lady nods in his direction.
“So, is there anything I can do to help you out in these rough times?”
The lady nods. “My names Pam. Will you handle everything for the funeral? I need to call Jim’s family.”
“Sure thing!” I say. “With how fast I am, the funeral will be tomorrow.
Chapter 4: Sonic POV
I stand at the door to the funeral home wearing my baby-blue suit and tie, (no pants, of course) greeting guests as we walk in. All of a sudden, Pam pulls me aside.
“Thanks for everything Sonic, but who did you get to speak today at the funeral? He’s not really wearing funeral attire.”
“Oh, that’s Sans Undertale. He’s probably the best funeral planner I know, ever. A hoodie and basketball shorts is just kinda what he wears... never seen him in anything else, actually. But he’ll be great.” I wave at Sans, who waves back.
About fifteen minutes later we bring out the coffin, which is vertical for some odd reason, and Sans gets up in front to talk during the funeral. He opens the casket, and walks up to the stand.
“We come today to join two great people in Holy Matrimony.”
Oh No
Sans motions for Pam to come up.
“Man, everyone’s wearing black? Weird wedding colors, but whatever. I don’t judge. Today, we join Jim Halpert and...” Sans looks at his card, and it looks like he rereads it a few times, making sure it’s right, “Pam Halpert, to be together until they die. Woah, same last name? We’re in Pennsylvania, not Alabama!” Sans starts laughing hysterically until he sees me glaring at him.
“Ah, okay. I getcha. You want a more serious shindig.” Sans rips up the rest of the cards he was holding. Everyone at the funeral just stares in utter terror and disbelief.
“Okay..... So I assume you two wrote your own vows?” He asks Pam, who just softly shakes her head. “Well that really isn’t my job, lady. So, I guess, you may now kiss the bride.”
There’s about a minute of silence.
“Oy, what’s this guy’s problem? He hasn’t said anything all night.” Sans kicks the casket and Jim’s body falls, face first, out. A loud thump echoes through the hall as he hits the ground.
I instinctively gasp, along with everyone else there. Pam buries her head in her hands, and runs out the door sobbing.
Sans looks out the door, down at Jim’s lifeless body, at my terrified face, and back and forth for what seemed like seven hours.
“Oh man... This wasn’t a wedding, was it? I... uh... gotta go.” Sans proceeds to jump out the open window, obviously forgetting we’re on the fortieth floor.
Chapter 5: Pam POV
After we had gotten over the initial shock of the fiasco, and most of us had been gone through police investigation about the bones and blue hoodie on the ground of the building, I finally went home and was able to get some sleep. The next morning, Sonic kicked my door open, waking me up at 5:45.
“What are you doing?” I exclaim.
Sonic throws a newspaper at me, and it’s open to the job listings page. One of the listings is circled in red ink. “Since your office was destroyed, I figured you would need a new job. And don’t worry, I already called and signed you up for the circled one.
I read the paper. “Battlebus driver? What qualifies me to be that?”
“Well, I figured you knew how to drive.”
“A bus and a car are very different, Sonic!”
“Not just a bus, a flying bus!”
“WHAT????”
“Well there’s no time to fight now, your first shift is in ten minutes. The bus is already outside, and it’s full of epic gamers.”
“Oh man. Well, let’s go.” I follow Sonic out of the room, still wearing my pink Hello Kitty Pajamas.
I climb and the bus and look around. I don’t see many people that looks interesting, but one in particular stands out, with his bright blue hair. He looks at me, and I can feel my heart melt. I hurry and look away, and I feel his eyes move off of me as well. Does he feel the same way?
I sit on the bus driver’s seat, and we take off.
Chapter 6: Ninja POV
Waiting in the bus for the battlebus driver is always the worst part of playing an epic Fortnite match. The new driver is a woman, probably in her late twenties, early thirties. She looks at me, and I can tell that she’s in love. It wasn’t intuition though, her pupils physically turned into hearts. A little creepy, but it happens with every woman that age, and I’m used to it. Unfortunately for her, I’m not interested.
The next person to walk in has blue hair, but that’s all I can see. I hate it when kids try to copy me. Then he steps up the next step, and I can instantly tell who it is. My childhood hero, and love of my life, Sonic the hedgehog. I still have a shrine to him in my mom’s basement, where I live.
Sonic walks down the battlebus aisle, looking for a seat. Luckily, I never let anyone sit with me, so I have a seat open.
“Hey, could I-“
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
“Okay...”
Sonic walked to the front of the bus and sat down next to the drivers seat.
Dang, I ruined my chance. I can only hope I get another.
All of a sudden, the battlebus shoots off, and the epic battle royale is starting soon.
Chapter 6: Sonic POV
As we flew over the Fortnite island, Pam tapped my shoulder.
“Uh, Sonic? We’re running out of fuel.”
“We only have another three miles or so, we’ll be fine.”
All of a sudden, the battlebus started diving towards the ground.
“WE’RE GOING RIGHT INTO LOOT LAKE!!!” The mental blue hair guy screams. He grabs onto me, and I grab onto Pam, and we parachute down.
“To Tilted Towers we go!” Blue guy says. He starts drifting towards some towers, but they definitely look straight. We crash through the window and Bluey grabs a nearby gun.
“Don’t worry, I’m a master gamer. I can get us a victory royale for sure.”
“What are you talking about? Our top priority is just to get out of here!”
“The only way to get out is to win the epic victory royale! Also, you look great when you’re angry.”
“Will you two stop bickering?” Pam butts in. “If he’s correct, it seems we have to get this so called ‘Victory Royale” to escape from here.”
Ninja pulls out a small device from his pocket. “It looks like there’s 9 people left. You really took out a lot with that battlebus crash.” He laughs, throwing us each a small pistol.
“Let’s go.”
Chapter 7: Pam POV
The blue haired guy introduced himself to us as Ninja a little later. It’s a cute name, it makes him seem sneaky and slick. At the same time, I’m a little weirded out by him. He seems like the kind of person who would get married and force his wife to dress like a camel and floss on top of the kitchen table.
He is cute though. I’d dress up like a camel for him.
Anyway, after Ninja gave us those pistols, we started traveling the strange island. Ninja said we were hoping to Dusty Depot. On the way, Ninja shot 37 kids who were just running around the map. Once we got to Dusty Depot, Ninja informed us there were only five people left.
“So two more kills, and we should win?” Sonic asked.
“That’s the plan.” Ninja replied.
Ninja looked to the purple clouds in the horizon. “The storm is approaching, our prey should come right to us.”
Chapter 8: Sonic POV
All of a sudden, a kid came flying through the window.
“I’m Fred!!!!!!!!!! Is this camp Iwannapeepee??” The kid, ‘Fred’ I guess, seemed high on a mix of crack cocaine and an industrial sized pixie stick. He was running around the room like there was nothing wrong with the world, despite the severe cuts he was bleeding from after the glass from jumping through the window.
“F-Fred? Is that really you? This is going to be so hard....” Tears we’re streaming down Ninja’s face as he put his gun up to Fred’s head. He pulled the trigger, and... nothing happened.
“That tickled.” Fred said.
Ninja checked his phone. “Oh man, this is doubles, which means... Fred is my doubles partner!”
Out of nowhere, Fred tackled Ninja, and the two of them started ferociously making out on the floor.
This went on for about 30 minutes, until a portal opened up in the ground, and a brown-haired man wearing a green lantern t-shirt. He was holding two forty calibers, one in each hand.
He pointed one gun at Ninja, the other at Fred, and uttered one single word.
“Bazinga.”
At that exact moment, Fred, Ninja, and the strange man all turned into dust.
A light came over Pam and myself, and someone announced, “EPIIIIIIIC VICTORY ROYAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLEEEE!”
Chapter 9: Pam POV
Sonic led me to a beautiful green hill zone on a beautiful night.
“Pam, I’ve only known you for three days, but in those three days I have grown so much as a person... well, a hedgehog.”
I laughed. Sonic is pretty funny.
“So, Pam, I know your husband just died three days ago, but I really hope that you can get over that, b-because...” he got down on one knee, and pulled out a small yellow ring.
“Pam... uh... what’s your last name?”
“Beesly.”
“Beesly? HA! That’s hilarious! Anyway... Pam Beesly, will you marry me?”
“Yes, Sonic, yes! A million times yes! And I have some news for you.”
Sonic shot up. “What is it?”
“I... I’m pregnant... with octuplets... and you’re the father.”
“Oh, Pam!”
Then, Sonic and I started making out. It was awesome, and it lasted about three days. After 75 hours, we broke apart.
“So, should we have the wedding tomorrow? Then we could have the book end on an even chapter, and our marriage.”
“...Nah”
Then we made out for a few days more.
~End