Pizzazz

Tales of Infinity Book 1 - Sorrow and Sacrifice (Unedited Version)

By Doroken

Status: Incomplete     Rating: T (semi-frequent swearing, dirty jokes)     Posted: 05/07/2020     Finished: N/A     Word count: 20,844
Characters: Thanos, Shrek, Shaggy Rogers, Donkey, Scooby Doo, Linkin Park, Jon Arbuckle, Gorefield, Ben Shapiro, St. Jimmy/The Jesus of Suburbia, Tyler Blevins (aka Ninja Fortnite), Thanos Car, Oprah Winfrey, Barry B. Benson, Lego Yoda, Chester Bennington, Loch Ness Monster, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, medieval crusaders, Steve Minecraft

TALES OF INFINITY BOOK 1: SORROW AND SACRIFICE

(Unedited means swearing. And this version has quite a bit. This is also the original version of Tales of Infinity 1. Clean version coming soon™)

CHAPTER 1: THE SHREKONING

Thanos was walking. He was in a swamp for some reason. At least until he tripped and fell in a muddy hole. “Dread it, run from it...falls still arrive…” The purple man muttered to himself, even if it didn’t really make any sense. He pushed himself up, grunting as he brushed some swamp mud off of his chest.

All of a sudden, there was an angry roar from behind him. Thanos whirled around to see a buff yet fat ogre, who was a little bit shorter than him. “AYE LADDEH WHAT’RE YA DOIN’ IN MAH SWAMP?!”

“Whatever I please,” Thanos replied, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at the Scottish, Han Solo-dressing, fat ogre. For an ogre, he wasn’t that bad looking. He was actually kind of cute.

“GET OUTTA ME SWAMP!” The ogre roared, lunging at Thanos with a large fist. Thanos easily blocked him with his Infinity Gauntlet, chuckling. “You have made a grave mistake.”

“Shrek?” A donkey trotted out from what appeared to be a home made inside a tree stump. “Everything alri-OH SUGAR HONEY ICE TEA!” Upon seeing Thanos, the donkey immediately turned tail and ran back inside the home, slamming the door shut behind him.

Thanos looked back at the ogre, who was apparently named Shrek. “Aye laddeh, it’s YOU who’s made a mistake…” Shrek growled. Suddenly he vanished, leaving Thanos confused. A tap on the shoulder made him turn around, and he saw Shrek crouched behind him, wielding a katana, and he now had an angled fedora on his head, with holes cut out for his ogre horns. “Heh, nothin’ personnel, purple guy…” He raised the katana, ready to bring it down on Thanos’ head for the killing blow, when a sudden burst of blue light erupted from the forest, and Shrek was sent flying.

Thanos stood there, still trying to comprehend what had and was still happening. Leaves crunched from the forest, and he looked over to see a scrawny teenager picking his way out of the forest. “Like, you’re both making a mistake, man,” he muttered, then snapped his fingers over at Shrek. “We’re supposed to work together, man.”

“What?” Thanos blinked at him.

“Well, I don’t really need the help of you guys. Like, I could destroy the universe on my own, man.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m just here to stop you two from, like, killing each other.”

“And who the heck are you, laddeh?” Shrek grumbled, rubbing his head as he walked over. His fedora hung low over his eyes, and was crooked on his head. He’d lost his katana at some point when he went flying.

“I am god,” the teenager replied in a dark tone. “But you probably know me as, like, Shaggy,” he added afterwards, his voice returning to its normal “casual teenager” tone.

“WHAT ARE YE ALL STILL DOIN’ IN ME SWAMP?!” Shrek yelled, waving his arms around. “GO ON, GET!”

Shaggy simply clapped, then started pumping his arms back and forth as he walked in place. Shrek roared in pure rage as Shaggy default danced, and punched him in the face.

“Shrek!” Thanos yelled as Shaggy hit the ground, eyes closed as he hissed in pain. “He’s just a kid!”

“YOU TOO!” Shrek snapped. “GET OUT OF ME SWAMP!”

“Like, that was a mistake, man…” Thanos turned to watch Shaggy as he slowly got up. One of his eyes was glowing blue, the other solid black. He slowly rose to face Shrek, arms spread in an A-pose. “Now you’re gonna, like, have a bad time.” He raised an arm, and a bone suddenly jutted out of the ground, impaling Shrek’s liver. Shrek screamed in agony as he became impaled on the bone like a shishkabob.

“Now this,” Shaggy started, walking over to stand next to the impaled Shrek. “Is what I call a victory royale.” He waved his arms and did the orange justice.

Thanos blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. 182 times, to be exact. “Right on, I’m going to get the fuck out of here now.” He spun around and started to march off, only to realize that his Infinity Gauntlet was missing! He turned back around, and saw Shaggy sitting cross-legged on top of the bone, Shrek still impaled and crying in pain underneath him. Shaggy was wearing the Infinity Gauntlet on his left hand, still lazily moving his arms in the orange justice as he softly sang Wake Me Up When September Ends.

“YOU GIVE THAT BACK!” Thanos growled loudly, stomping over and standing eye-to-eye with Shaggy. The godly teenager blinked slowly as he stopped singing. “Like, summer has come and passed, man.” He snapped his fingers (not the Infinity Gauntlet, luckily) and hovered up into the air, still sitting cross-legged. A blue fire began to glow around him.

“Aye, laddeh…” Shrek slowly rose, the giant bone still sticking out of him. “He said give it back.” Thanos watched in awe as Shrek launched himself up into the air, swinging his body and smacking Shaggy across the torso with the bone. Shaggy yelped and went flying, landing in Shrek’s house.

The door of Shrek’s house slowly creaked open, and the donkey from earlier peered at Shaggy, his ears down. “That,” he said, gesturing at Shaggy with a hoof. “Is unusual, and not my problem.” He turned around and went back inside, the door shutting behind him.

Thanos ran over to the tree. Shaggy’s head was buried in the tree trunk, the rest of his body sticking out. Thanos stole back his Infinity Gauntlet, slipping it on with a devious chuckle. “And now,” he stated, looking down at Shaggy. “You’re going to die.” He snapped the Infinity Gauntlet, then frowned. He’d just killed a random person. Oh well. He snapped again. Another random person. This was frustrating. “Well, eventually…” Thanos kept snapping, killing many innocent people, along with Ted Cruz. He would’ve snapped until the end of time, or at least until he killed Shaggy, but Shrek grabbed him and yanked him back. Thanos sputtered as he was knocked to the ground, scowling at Shrek. “What was that for?!”

“Yer never gonna keel ‘im that way!” Shrek replied as he loomed over Thanos, the bone still jutting through his liver. Blood stained the area around it, but Shrek didn’t seem to care. After all, he was Shrek. “Yer just wasting yer time!”

“Well, what do you suppose we do, then?” Thanos scoffed, folding his arms as he stood up. Even with a giant bone through his body, Shrek still looked cute. Maybe he could ask him out to dinner after they killed Shaggy.

“It’s simple, yeh see.” Shrek scratched the back of his neck, stretching. “Ye have a car, don’t ye, laddeh?”

“Yes.” Thanos nodded. He had his Thanos Car.

Shrek smirked. “Then, laddeh, why don’t we run ‘im over, eh?”

Thanos nodded, as this was agreeable to him, despite the fact that Shaggy was wedged in Shrek’s house, which meant that running him over would mean destroying Shrek’s house as well. He snapped his fingers, and was instantly teleported into the driver’s seat of his Thanos Car. Shrek appeared in the passenger seat, his seatbelt fastened securely even though there was still this giant-ass bone sticking out of him.

Thanos turned the key, and the truck roared to life. Shrek clenched the armrests of the seat as Thanos floored it, steering into the tree where Shaggy was squirming. Glass shattered around them as the truck slammed into the tree. The airbags blew up in their colorful faces. Ogre and purple man blood mixed as the glass shards sliced them up like Squidward’s cubed cheese. Dust and debris swirled around them, blocking out the sunlight and choking their senses.

Thanos coughed, feeling his purple lungs fill with dust. “Shrek?” He rasped, rubbing his eyes as the storm of dust started to clear. The bloody ogre shoved an airbag out of his face, looking up at Thanos. “Aye, laddeh, I’m alright.”

Thanos kicked open the door, sliding out of his Thanos Car, which was obviously totaled in the front. He walked around the mess, planning to pull Shaggy’s body out from the wreckage. Maybe he’d have him taxidermied and mounted to the wall as a trophy, who knows?

When he rounded the truck, however, Shaggy was nowhere to be found. Thanos frowned, puzzled. Had the impact just completely destroyed Shaggy’s body? That was disappointing. But there was no way he’d survived the crash, anyway. Thanos shrugged and turned around.

As he headed back towards the Thanos Car, Thanos found his thoughts drifting back to Shrek. Was he single? Maybe he should ask that first before asking Shrek on a date. Was he even gay though? Thanos clenched his fist with the Infinity Gauntlet on it. I’ll make him gay.

“Hey, purple guy...”

Thanos slowly turned around at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. As he stared, he felt his jaw drop. This was impossible.

Shaggy stood in front of him, completely unharmed. A blue and white fire glowed around him, illuminating him eerily and sending his long shadow casting over Thanos. Shaggy had his hands folded together in front of his chest, and Thanos noticed that his eye was glowing blue again.

“T-That’s impossible!” Thanos stammered, slowly backing away.

“I like told you, man,” Shaggy shrugged, smirking evilly. “I’m a god.” He gave a finger gun, and his finger suddenly turned into a cat. Thanos slowly stood up straighter, an eyebrow cocked in confusion. A kitty finger from Steven Universe? How the hell was that gonna do anything?

Thanos’ internal question was answered as the kitty finger started to grow out and stretch, its body contorting in unnatural ways. Thanos watched in horror as the cute cat started to transform into a beast of a tiger. The tiger stood at least 2 stories tall, with saber teeth that were each as long as Thanos himself.

Thanos began to rapidly snap, but it was useless. The tiger lumbered over him, and Thanos finally accepted the fact that he was screwed.

The tiger gagged internally, sticking its neck out. It made more gagging sounds, until it suddenly bent over and barfed out Scooby Doo. With that done, the tiger sniffed and stalked off into the woods, its giant tail swishing and scattering a bunch of leaves.

“Aye, laddehs! What’s all the ruckus?” Shrek asked loudly as he flung open the passenger door of the Thanos Car, slamming it shut behind him. He glared at Shaggy upon noticing that he had escaped the car crash unscatched.

Scooby Doo yelped in fear, tail between his legs. Shaggy glanced over at him and scoffed. “Like, chill out, Scooby Doo.”

Scooby Doo seemed to slowly calm down, but then freaked out again when he saw Thanos and Shrek. “RUH ROH!”

Shaggy rolled his eyes, then looked over at the other two. “So, like, whenever you guys are done trying to kill me or each other, you wanna go out and get some pizza or something?”

Shrek looked at Thanos, seeming completely dumbfounded. Thanos shared his confusion, and could only offer a shrug in response. “We can discuss this over pizza,” he grumbled. “Fighting always makes me hungry…”

“Agreed, laddeh.” Shrek patted his large stomach, wincing a little as he hit the bone by accident.

Thanos snapped his fingers, and the battle bus appeared in front of them. “To Pizza Hut!” He shouted, waving his arm at the bus. Shrek got on, and Shaggy dragged Scooby along. Donkey had come outside at some point, and snuck onto the back of the bus. Thanos got in last, settling himself in the driver’s seat and flooring it, deciding to head to the Kingdom of Far Far Away. There had to be pizza there, right..?

CHAPTER 2: PIZZA TIME

“Y’know, man, I like hate it when it does this…” Shaggy mumbled as he lifted a slice of pizza, watching all the melted cheese get stuck to the plate and start to fall off the pizza. Donkey nodded in agreement, putting a hoof down on the pile of melted cheese on the plate. All the cheese immediately fell off the pizza, causing Shaggy to groan in annoyance. “C’mon, man!”

Thanos had already consumed two pizzas on his own, and was currently standing at the window, staring out it. Shrek was wolfing down a second pizza while Donkey stared at him. Scooby Doo was just sitting and watching the band that was playing inside the Pizza Hut for some reason. Well, it was Linkin Park anyway. Apparently they weren’t getting that many gigs anymore, so they just had to resort to pizza franchises.

Shaggy ate what was left of his pizza slice, as screams of “I TRIED SO HARD AND GOT SO FAR, BUT IN THE EEEEEEND...IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!” filled the otherwise empty restaurant.

“Shrek.” Thanos looked over at the ogre. He’d waited until Shrek had finished shoving the pizza down his throat before addressing him. “Aye, laddeh?” Shrek asked with a loud burp. Thanos stepped closer, putting his hand over Shrek’s. “Shrek, I...I have feelings for you.”

“Are you really gonna propose to Shrek in a Pizza Hut?” Donkey interrupted, trotting between the two of them. Shrek’s eyes were wide in surprise as he looked up at Thanos. “Laddeh, yer commitin’ to a lot right now.”

“I know, Shrek, but I…” Thanos trailed off, and before he was able to pick up his sentence again, there was a scream of terror. He instinctively looked over at the tiny stage, a little confused, but it didn’t appear to be the edgy rap/nu metal/rock/electronic/whatever the hell band. Instead, the person who screamed ran out from behind the counter, diving under a table. There were thunderous footsteps, and Thanos watched as a giant, mutant creature with spiderish legs, a cat-like face, and a long tongue crushed the counter. “Jón͟ ̷wher̛e̛ ̷i͢s ͝m͞y̧ ͝l̵a̢s̕a͢g͝na?”

The guy who Thanos assumed was Jon screamed again, clutching onto the leg of the table. The monster turned its eyes to him, smiling. It skittered over and lifted the table up, Jon still hanging onto it. The creature opened its mouth, tongue licking the table. “I'̛ve̷ h́ea͜rd ̶hu͘ḿa̡n͡ś ̢tast̵e͜ ̢l͞ik͘e ̷l̨as͘agn͠a͜~”

Jon screamed in terror as he was shaken off the table, and then swallowed whole. The monster gulped, then turned its smirk to Thanos. “P͠urp͝le̛ l͢as͢a͠gn̡a̵~͏”

Thanos immediately snapped, only to recoil in shock as he saw his Infinity Gauntlet was missing again. Looking up at the beast lumbering over him, he saw Shaggy riding on its back, the Infinity Gauntlet on his arm. Shaggy smirked, pulling the reins that were connected to its muzzle. “Like, why’d you have to get between me and Shrek, man?”

“WHAT?!” Thanos screamed. Shaggy was in love with Shrek too?!

“Yes,” Shaggy said, as if he had just read the previous sentence.

“WHY DID YOU IMPALE HIM THEN?!”

“Shut the hell up,” Shaggy grumbled. “This is just a stupid fanfiction - it’s not supposed to, like, make sense. Just go with it, man.” He pulled the reins back, and the beast gave a roar, arching up on its rear legs. “Like, get him, Garfield!”

Scooby Doo yelped and hid under a table, Donkey following him. Linkin Park had started to play Crawling, still apparently oblivious to the beast that was Garfield.

“CRAAAAAWWWWLING INNNN MY SKIIIIIINNNNN!!”

That was all Thanos could hear as Garfield brought down a giant leg, ready to crush him. He closed his eyes, already accepting his imminent death.

“AYE YOU LEAVE THAT LADDEH ALONE!”

Garfield was suddenly shoved through the window, sending shattering glass everywhere. Shaggy yelled and fell off Garfield. Thanos stood and watched as Shrek saved his life, jumping on top of Garfield and pummeling him 6 feet underground. Literally. Because that’s how mafia works.

When Shrek was done, he tipped his fedora and walked back over to Thanos. The purple man felt his face heat up with a blush. “Y-You saved me…”

“Just doing my job, laddeh.” Shrek gave another tip of his fedora. Thanos grabbed the ogre’s shoulders, which earned him a confused look. “Shrek, please. I need to be with you.”

Shrek gave a long sigh. “Laddeh...I’m sorry.” He looked up at Thanos sympathetically. “I got a wife and kids, ye know. And we did just meet this morning, when ye trespassed in me swamp!” He shook his head. “Sorry, laddeh. I should get home and check on the kids, anyway, before Fiona takes them again.” He turned around and started to pick his way through the broken glass.

Thanos stared at him, feeling his soul break inside him as he watched Shrek go. He stood there, unable to move. It felt like someone had just pulled out his heart, held onto it like a hand grenade, stomped on it, and then shoved it back into his chest in a half-assed attempt to fill the void. He was in too much pain to even cry; the tears welled in his eyes, but wouldn’t fall.

“Like, whoa, man…” Shaggy walked over to Thanos, watching Shrek and Donkey walk away (Donkey had trotted after him upon noticing him leave). “Er...sorry.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Uh, I should, like, get home too...see ya, man.” He turned around and walked hurriedly off with Scooby, leaving Thanos standing in the destroyed Pizza Hut, with a mutilated Garfield monster outside and Linkin Park still playing. Appropriately, they were playing Valentine’s Day.

Thanos blinked slowly, trying to breathe through the pain of the heartbreak. He wiped his eyes, then turned and left the Pizza Hut. Despite the fresh air and sunny weather, he knew his heart would never stop aching for Shrek.

CHAPTER 3: THE LONELY ROAD

Thanos walked alone. Night had fallen, and he was still walking down the empty street. There were no lights on - the city was asleep. He was lost in his thoughts, still overwhelmed with the grief and heartache of Shrek’s rejection.

As he approached a corner, Thanos looked up at the street sign.

Broken Dreams Blvd.

Grumbling to himself, Thanos turned and walked down the boulevard.

It was a lonely road.

Thanos scowled in frustration, clenching his fist. Shaggy had left behind the Infinity Gauntlet, so he’d of course taken it back. Purple man looked down at it now. Why couldn’t he just make Shrek love him with a snap?

“Purple guy!” Came a Scottish accent from behind him.

Thanos slowly turned around to see Shrek standing in the middle of the street. “Aye there, laddeh!”

His shape was suddenly illuminated by the glow of headlights, and Thanos realized with a jolt of alarm that there was a car headed straight for him. “SHREK WATCH OUT!”

Shrek just waved at Thanos, smiling casually as the car got closer.

Dread dropped in Thanos’ chest like a stone in a lake as he saw that Shrek had AirPods in. Shrek couldn’t hear him!

“SHREK WATCH OUT THERE’S A CAR COMING!!” He screamed, waving his arms around.

Shrek continued to smile and wave, oblivious to the car behind him.

Thanos could only watch in horror as Shrek seemed to get hit by the car in slow motion. “OH GOD OH FUCK!”

Shrek went flying through the air as the car screeched to a halt. Thanos winced as his crush crashed into a lamppost, knocking it over with his ogre strength, even if he didn’t knock it over on purpose or anything but yeah it fell over anyway.

Thanos turned back around as he heard the car door open and close, and turned around to find a short man with a cocky smirk on his face. “Libtard destroyed.”

Thanos growled as he approached the midget, standing over him. “Shrek is not a libtard!”

The man gave a wink, and he suddenly ascended into the air as he folded his hands in front of him. Thanos looked up as the man ascended above him, going higher and higher up. He suddenly squirmed in the air, as if he realized he was going too high. “Oh god oh fuck,” he said, jumping in the air to try and push himself down, but he just kept going up higher. “This is not epic,” he said to himself as he started to ascend out of sight. Before he disappeared completely, he glared down at Thanos and snarled. “You haven’t seen the last of Ben Shapiro!”

Thanos blinked slowly, and Ben Shapiro was gone. Well. Whatever that was, it sure was epic to witness.

A low groan made him turn back around, and he realized he’d forgotten about Shrek. Running to where the ogre was crumpled over, he helped his love up, feeling tears well in his purple eyes. “S-Shrek…”

“Aye, laddeh! I ain’t dead yet!” Shrek responded gruffly, pushing himself up to stand. Thanos wanted to cry in joy, but then felt like crying because he was sad. He would never be with Shrek.

Shrek seemed to notice Thanos’ sadness, as he looked up at the purple man and cocked an eyebrow. “What’s the matter, laddeh?”

“Shrek...I-I...I still have feelings for you…”

“Well, laddeh, that’s kinda gay.” Shrek brushed some dust off his knees.

Thanos growled, feeling himself instinctively clench his Infinity Gauntlet. “I am bisexual! Not gay!”

“Well, that’s basically half-gay,” Shrek threw in as he turned around and started to walk off, looking over his shoulder at Thanos as he spoke. “...Laddeh,” he added quietly.

Thanos growled again, louder this time as he walked after Shrek. “I like women!”

“Well, laddeh…” Shrek stopped walking, and blinked at Thanos. “I am not a lady.”

Thanos growled very loudly, clenching his Infinity Gauntlet tightly. “I will make you love me…”

Shrek blinked again, and Thanos could see slight fear in his eyes this time. “Wait, laddeh-”

Thanos didn’t let him finish, snapping twice. With that, Shrek was instantly turned gay. “Ok.” He nodded blankly. “Why not? You’re a cute laddeh.”

“Good.”

And with that, Shrek and Thanos made out on Broken Dreams Boulevard.

CHAPTER 4/INTERMISSION: BEN SHAPIRO'S INFERNO

Meanwhile...

"What? What do you mean you let him get away?!"

"I-I'm sorry, Sir-"

"SHUT UP! You're useless!"

"...Am I still epic?"

A pause, then a sigh.

"No, Ben. You are unepic."

Ben Shapiro fell to his knees. "N-No...please!" He stammered, folding his hands and shaking them as he begged for his life. "I won't fail you again, Sir! I-I just need more facts and logic-"

"Facts and logic do not care about your feelings."

"N-No, that's my line! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Ben Shapiro screamed in agony as pain suddenly surged throughout his entire body. He felt it coursing through his veins, making him fall to the ground. He curled into a ball as he screamed in pain. It felt like his blood was boiling water, and every limb tingled with the fury of his boss.

It swirled around him, choking him like a fog. The pain ripped at his skin like thorns. As the man continued to scream, he found that his own screams were drowned out as a sinister voice echoed in his head.

See the crying face of God,

He is angry at you, you sod.

He finds it hard to see the fire,

Overshadowed by a suppressing desire.

Who is that screaming for death?

He begs to take his last breath.

He is but a lonely man that cries,

Admired as he raises himself on a throne of lies.

These are trying times, my friend,

But I'm not here to simply bring the end.

There is a wolf within us all,

One that is not very small.

My wolf wants a sacrifice,

I suppose that purple blood will suffice.

God shudders at the merciless darkness.

He wants me to stop,

But I want blood.

"Th-That last one didn't rhyme!" Ben Shapiro gasped. Upon pointing out the mistake, the pain only intensified. Ben Shapiro, again, screamed in agony. No matter how much he screamed and flailed about, the excruciating pain only got worse. "I'M SORRY!" He cried hysterically. "MAKE IT STOP!!"

The agony seemed to last forever and a day. Then, there was nothing. Ben Shapiro blinked open his eyes cautiously. In a single instant, all the pain in his body had vanished. Slowly and hesitantly rising, he looked down at his hands to find them outlined with a blue fire. Confused, he exhaled sharply and looked up at his boss.

But his boss wasn't looking at him. He had turned around and started to walk off. "Don't fail me this time."

CHAPTER 5: SIDE CHARACTER STREET FIGHTING

“Are you guys done yet?” A short man with messy black hair had been watching Shrek and Thanos make out for the past 10 minutes. In fact, now that Thanos looked at him, he was pretty sure that he’d seen the same guy wandering around the boulevard earlier.

He continued to glare at the two, arms crossed tightly, flipping his hair back as Thanos stared at him.

“I should ask you,” Thanos growled as he pulled away from Shrek. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here.”

Thanos awkwardly looked around, and noticed a small house with a porch light on. “O-Oh.” He backed away from Shrek, who was oddly silent as he kept staring at Thanos. “Sorry.”

“Are you?” The other inquired, still looking pretty pissed off. “It’s bad enough you almost made that lamppost fall on my house,” he went on, gesturing at where Shrek had been sent flying and knocked over the lamppost.

Thanos growled, standing up taller, even though he didn’t really need to since the other guy was short. Actually, he was the exact same height as Ben Shapiro. 5’7.

Thanos held up his Infinity Gauntlet. “I suggest you apologize to Shrek before I kill you…”

“Apologize?” He scoffed. “For what? I didn’t knock the lamppost over.”

Thanos raised the Infinity Gauntlet higher. “Let me explain this to you. I will kill you.”

“Good! I wanted to die anyway!” The other shot back indignantly.

“Aye aye, purple guy!” Shrek interjected. “Leave the laddeh alone! He’s barely more than a teenager!”

“I AM 47 YEARS OLD!” The short man screeched.

“Well, laddeh...you don’t look it.” Shrek shrugged.

“Like, what’s all the yelling, man?”

Thanos turned around to see Shaggy riding on Scooby Doo’s back, trotting up to them.

“He’s a homophobe,” Thanos blurted out, pointing at the man who was actually shorter than Shaggy, too. Thanos was 8 feet tall, Shrek was around 7, and Shaggy was 6’3 according to Google.

The short man had leaned forward, glaring at Thanos from behind with his hands shoved in his pockets. “You do realize I’m bisexual?”

“Whatever!” Thanos snapped, turning around to glare at the unnamed person. “Just get out of here! You’re not important to the story.”

The man glared at him for a moment or two, then scoffed and went back in his house.

“Like, that was weird, man…” Shaggy trailed off, absently scratching Scooby Doo’s ear.

“Yeah. Side characters.” Thanos shuddered.

Shaggy glanced between the two of them, flinching when he saw Shrek and Thanos holding hands. He growled, looking up at Thanos. “I told you not to get between me and Shrek, man…”

Thanos looked up as Shaggy ascended off of Scooby, both of his eyes turning solid black. He raised his hands as he sat cross-legged, a blue fire emitting from both of his hands. “You’re gonna, like, have an even badder time now…”

Shaggy lunged forward, sending a ball of fire whirling at Thanos. The purple man jumped to the side to dodge, but didn't expect Shaggy to shoot again right after that. As the second blast hit him, he gasped and went sprawling. Shaggy chuckled, raising his left hand. A giant, glowing hand materialized in the air, then grabbed Thanos and threw him into a building, cracking the wall as a result. Shaggy advanced on him, repeatedly shooting blue fire at the purple man. He yawned as he did this, as if he was bored.

“AYE LADDEH! THAT’S ENOUGH.” Shrek had suddenly grabbed a broken piece of the lamppost, and went to throw it at Shaggy, but stopped when the teen suddenly turned invisible. "Where did ye-" Shrek was cut off as he was knocked over from behind and then sent flying halfway down the street.

Shaggy returned to visibility, looking exasperated. “Like, stay out of this, Shrek man.” He turned back around quickly, throwing Thanos up into the air with a lazy flick of his arm. Shaggy yawned again, then jerked his arm down, making Thanos slam hard into the ground. His large head cracked the asphalt, and he grunted in pain.

Spitting out blood, the purple man slowly rose. This sure took a new meaning to “street fighting”. He looked over to see Scooby Doo cowering under a porch. That was it!

“Sc...Scoob…” He grunted, falling back onto the pavement.

Scooby Doo nervously looked over, still shaking.

“Scoob...come here, boy.”

Scooby Doo did not move.

Thanos groaned in pain, weakly reaching out to the dog. “I have...Scooby snacks…”

“Scooby snacks??” The dog’s ears perked up and his face brightened.

“Yeah, yeah...come here and get them, boy…”

Scooby Doo happily trotted over, tail wagging. Thanos snapped, making a Scooby Snack appear out of thin air. Scooby happily ate it, then looked at BIG PURPLE MAN, tail still wagging.

Thanos rolled over and suddenly grabbed Scooby Doo, causing him to yelp. The purple man crouched on the ground, holding Scooby Doo up in front of him. “STOP!”

Shaggy, who had slowly been floating over, stopped as Thanos used his dog as a shield.

The silence seemed to drag on for a century as they had a standoff.

Finally, Shaggy broke the silence with an evil chuckle.

“You think that’s gonna stop me, man? I have a whole closet full of Scooby Doos.” With that, he raised his hand and shot a beam of light straight through Scooby Doo, hitting Thanos in the chest. Thanos screamed in pain as he clutched his chest, falling over and dropping Scooby Doo’s lifeless body, which now had a giant hole through it.

Shaggy grabbed a staff out of thin air, and was holding it for no particular reason. He floated over and lifted his free arm, making Shrek levitate. Shaggy swung his arm towards himself, and Shrek was instantly at his side. A cold, harsh wind blew, rippling Shaggy’s green shirt like a flag and making him look a lot more dramatic than he already did, standing on a blue godly cloud and all.

“Like, let’s get out of here, man.” Shaggy snapped his fingers, not stealing Thanos’ Infinity Gauntlet for once. The two of them disappeared in an instant, leaving Thanos in the middle of the destroyed street, Scooby Doo still dead in front of him as the broken lamppost creaked in the night.

He was vaguely aware of a door creaking open and then shutting somewhere, but Thanos was too preoccupied with his own thoughts. Shaggy had just stolen his boyfriend. How was he supposed to get him back now?!

Slowly, painfully, Thanos rose. As he turned around, he saw the random guy from earlier standing there, doing some half-squat thing as he gestured at the destroyed street with both hands. “Excuse me what the fuck?!”

“Hey, it isn’t my fault,” Thanos growled. “Shaggy did it.”

“Shaggy?! A fucking cartoon character?!”

“He is more powerful than we can imagine.”

“You’re full of shit!” The man snapped, standing up straighter and brushing his open jacket back. Thanos shifted uneasily as he noticed a gun at his waist. “Look, I am telling the truth. He just stole Shrek from me…”

“Boo-fucking-hoo.”

“Please…” Thanos pleaded. “I need to get him back. Can you help me?”

“Oh, no! You guys are the gods,” the other replied sarcastically, turning around and starting to walk off.

Thanos thought for a moment. Yeah, he was right. Why was he asking a simple human for help? “You’re right, forget it.” Thanos sighed and started walking the other way.

“Yeah, that’s right! You walk away! The angry short man yelled after him. “And don’t come back! We got enough broken homes down here!”

Thanos kept walking alone, the heartache from earlier beginning to sting harder. Shrek was somewhere out there, being held captive by a teenager with godly powers. He might never see his true love again.

Wait, didn’t he just pass that fire hydrant? Thanos stopped and stared at it in confusion. He had. He looked around. He’d passed that house twice, too! Was he just walking in circles down here?!

Thanos started to run, and eventually realized that he was indeed just running in circles. No matter which way he turned, he seemed to wind up right back where he’d started.

“OH GOD!” He finally screamed, breaking down and curling into a ball on the sidewalk. “AAAAAAHHHHH!”

“Are you alright?”

Thanos looked up to see the annoying side character that wouldn’t go away, hands shoved in his pockets as he leaned over Thanos slightly. Even though he’d asked Thanos if he was alright, it was kind of in a condescending way.

“Yeah, maybe I do need help,” Thanos growled, still on the ground. “Just help me get out of here and then go away.”

“I didn’t offer to help,” the man scoffed. “And oh, so soon? Maybe I wanna go on an adventure, too. Didja ever think about that?”

“...You’re going to die.” Thanos finally answered after a pause. Well, it was true. How was a regular guy going to survive the wrath of their godly powers?

“Yeah, and I already said I wanna die.”

“Fine…” Thanos slowly got up, scoffing, then glaring again. “Can you at least tell me your name so we can stop calling you ‘angry short man’?”

He flinched at the jab, looking off to the side, grumbling, then turning back. “Jimmy,” he finally answered. “Or the Jesus of Suburbia. Either one is fine.”

Thanos frowned. He had a feeling this guy was lying, but went with it anyway. “Alright, fine…’Jimmy’...I’m Thanos.”

“Ok buddy purple man.”

Thanos sighed in irritation. He turned around to look down the street, then looked back at “Jimmy”. “Do you know the way?”

“Sure do, brother,” Jimmy responded with a clicking sound, only to cringe at himself. “Sorry. Never gonna do that again.” He scoffed and turned right, and Thanos followed him as he walked. For a short person, he walked pretty fast, and Thanos found himself struggling to keep up.

Within 3 minutes, they were out of Broken Dreams Boulevard.

“Oh god, thank you,” Thanos gasped, falling to his knees as he collapsed in relief. He enjoyed the brief moment of calm, until he was suddenly kicked in the side, letting out a pained yelp in the process.

“Get the hell up,” Jimmy grunted. “Time to hold up your end of the bargain.”

“Right...sorry,” Thanos apologized as he rose slowly, brushing his legs off. He looked down at the shorter male and sighed. “Are you sure you wanna get in the middle of all this?”

“Why not?” Jimmy gave a shrug. “It gets boring down here. I’m sick of watching cars roll by.”

Boredom = wanting to get killed by gods. Ok.

“Ok.” Thanos nodded then snapped, and his Thanos Car appeared in front of him, looking brand new. “Get in.”

“No.” Jimmy had his arms crossed.

“What?” Thanos grumbled. “We have to get there somehow.”

“And how do you know where ‘there’ is?”

“I...have a sixth sense,” Thanos admitted. “When Shrek and I became lovers, I was suddenly able to tell where he is at any given time.”

“Sure buddy.”

“I can!” Thanos snapped. “He’s being held in the Tilted Towers. I can sense it.”

“Tilted...Towers?” The other echoed. “What, like the 9/11 memorial?”

“No!” Thanos snapped. “The Tilted Towers from Fortnite!!”

“Oh. Well why didn’t you just say that.” Jimmy clapped, said something in Russian, and they were suddenly teleported on top of the Tilted Towers, along with Thanos Car.

Thanos blinked and stared down at him. How did he do that?!

The purple man hissed as the bright light from above shone in his eyes. He instinctively squinted and tried to shield his eyes from the sun. It had been nighttime when they were still down in Broken Dreams Boulevard, but here, it was the middle of the day. And, being on top of a tower, pretty bright.

“Lame,” Jimmy remarked. Thanos was about to agree with him, but froze as he heard someone step behind him. He felt shivers go up his purple spine as the man spoke.

“Greetings, libtards…”

CHAPTER 6: BEN SHAPIRO 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Thanos turned around to find Ben Shapiro standing there, hands folded in front of him. “You’ve fallen right into my trap.”

“No.” Jimmy just punched Ben Shapiro in the face. “Go home.”

Ben Shapiro blinked, looking a little surprised, then shook his head and growled. “Alright, I was going to give you a quick death, but now…” His eyes had started to glow, and he was ascending into the air. “I’m going to slowly mutilate you with facts and logic.”

“Oh god no please,” Thanos whimpered, cowering. He didn’t like big words.

“I will start by mentioning controversial subjects,” Ben Shapiro stated, closing his eyes and lifting a finger as he spoke, still levitating in the air. “Gun control. Feminism. Racism. Global warming. Australia. Trump. Vegans. Flat earth. Vaccine-”

He was suddenly cut off by a gunshot, and Thanos looked up to see that Jimmy had just shot Ben Shapiro in the liver. “No...no!” Ben groaned, grabbing his liver as blood started to pour out. “I never thought that what I advocated for would kill me!” He slowly started to descend, his eyes fading.

He slumped to the ground, rolling onto his side and groaning in pain as he started to die. “That’s not very epic of you, Mr. Shapiro,” Jimmy remarked as he cocked his gun, then put it away.

“S-Sh...shut up...libtard…” Ben Shapiro wheezed. Those were his last words as he gave a shudder, then slumped to the ground, his eyes dull and lifeless.

“So this is ‘the wrath of the gods’?” Jimmy asked in a deadpan way, turning around to look at Thanos.

Thanos growled as he stood up. “Stop doing that!” He snapped. “You’re the side character! I’m supposed to defeat them!”

“By curling up in a ball on the floor? Cause that’s what you were doing.”

“You know what just shut up!”

“They hated him cause he told the truth.” Jimmy threw his arms up, looking rather annoyed. “You just whimpered on the floor cause he threw some big words around. Is this how you were planning to get your boyfriend back? Get over yourself!”

Jimmy went on ranting, but Thanos wasn’t focused on his words. Instead, he was looking behind the shorter man at Ben Shapiro’s body. A blue light had started to emit from it, and was slowly rising up to the sky. Sunlight caught in the ghostly light as it formed into the shape of a person. As it turned around, Thanos could see the blue ghost of Ben Shapiro staring straight at him.

“Are you listening? No, of course you ain’t.” Jimmy’s scoff brought his attention back to the angry short man. Finally stopping his rant, he rolled his eyes. Thanos realized that the Jesus of Suburbia was completely oblivious to Ben Shapiro behind him.

“Watch out,” Thanos warned in a low tone, as the figure of Ben Shapiro started to approach them.

Jimmy said nothing, looking off to the side.

“Hello?” Thanos waved an arm.

Jimmy flicked his hair back, revealing an AirPod.

Thanos’ eyes widened as Ben Shapiro walked right up behind Jimmy. “JIMMY WATCH OUT BEN SHAPIRO IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”

“What?” Jimmy glanced over at Thanos, but it was too late.

“Nothin’ personnel, liberal.” Ben Shapiro smirked and gave Jimmy a hard smack, literally just making him go flying off the top of the tower. With him out of the way, Ben Shapiro turned his smirk to Thanos. “And now…” he suddenly vanished, then reappeared behind Thanos. “It’s libtard-destroying time.”

Thanos screamed as he felt cold hands grab his neck and twist, wincing and groaning as he felt it crack. “ARRGH!” He screamed. Ben Shapiro let go, and Thanos fell to the ground with a groan of pain. He looked up, scanning the top of the tower. It was just him and Ben up here. Nobody to save his ass this time.

Thanos put a fist on the ground, slowly standing to face Ben Shapiro even though he’d literally just gotten his fucking neck cracked. Ben still had that cocky smirk on his face, arms folded across his chest as he stood a couple yards away. “The second amendment is our god-given right,” he stated. Thanos wheezed as Ben Shapiro’s arm extended across the distance between them and punched him in the chest, making him take a few steps backwards.

“We need men’s rights, not women’s rights.” Ben stretched out his other arm and slapped Thanos pretty hard. Thanos growled, rubbing his cheek and charging at the ghost midget.

“And I support Trump.” His words alone made a sudden explosion of fire erupt from the ground, sending Thanos flying up into the air as he was charging. Thanos screamed as he went up then down in the air, feeling his body on fire as he crashed back down onto the tower. As he opened his eyes, he saw Ben Shapiro standing over him, one hand raised with white flames circling around it.

“Hey guys! Ninja here!”

What? Thanos saw that Ben Shapiro looked confused, and followed his gaze to see a blue-haired teenager walking around with a selfie-stick pointed at himself.

“Today we’re at the Tilted Towers, and we’re gonna get the Victory Royale in real life!”

Ben Shapiro scowled, leaving Thanos on the ground as he stomped over to the teenager. “Get out of here, libtard.”

The teenager, who’d called himself Ninja, looked away from his phone to give Ben Shapiro a confused look. His expression quickly turned angry. “THE FUCK YOU SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT?!” Then he turned back to his phone, smiling. “What dance should I do after I kill him? Leave it in the comments!”

Ben Shapiro looked angry. “Facts and logic don’t care about your comments.” With a wave of his hand, he knocked Ninja off of the building. Or, at least he tried to. Ninja grabbed onto a flagpole that was sticking off the side, which had a flag with Ben Shapiro’s face on it. Thanos hadn’t noticed that earlier.

“Ha! I’m the best Fortnite player!” Ninja yelled, swinging around and jumping back onto the tower, the flagpole still bouncing. Ben Shapiro growled, hunching down and standing in an A-pose. “There are two things I hate in life,” he began in a low tone that sent shivers down Thanos’ spine as he watched. A blue fire had started to gather in both of his hands. “Small children, and...libtards!” With a powerful shot of fire, he knocked Ninja backwards.

The YouTuber tucked and rolled, covering his head until the fire was gone. He looked up with a scoff, still smiling. “You underestimate me, Ben Shapiro. You may think I’m just a Fortnite streamer, but the Ligma has made me stronger!” He jumped up and lunged forward, knocking Ben Shapiro backwards and making him stumble, despite the fact that he was a ghost. Ninja didn’t stop there, giving Ben Shapiro a quick punch in the face, followed by an uppercut and a crotch kick.

Something suddenly grabbed Thanos from behind, causing him to yell in surprise as he found himself being pulled off the building. He squeezed his eyes shut, knowing that he was going to fall to his death. This was it. After everything that had happened since yesterday when he first became enthralled with that ogre, it was all going to be over. Not ogre, over.

CHAPTER 7: SAVING PRIVATE SHREK

“Come on! Stop bein’ dead weight!” A higher-pitched voice grunted from behind him. Thanos slowly opened his eyes as he realized he was either hanging or being suspended from something.

Thanos looked up in shock to see that it was Jimmy who had just pulled him off the roof, and was holding onto his shirt. Chestplate. Whatever. “Come on!” He repeated, angrier this time. “While Sharpie’s distracted! There’s a window open down there. Think you can get in it?”

Thanos looked down until he could see a window a couple stories down that was open. “Uh...yeah, yeah, I can mak-”

“Go then.” And then Jimmy flung Thanos at the window, making the purple man scream.

Thanos managed to get in the window fine, although he didn’t really have to do much since he’d been thrown right at it. The fact that a small man like Jimmy was just able to throw Thanos in a window like that was a little bit freaky, but then again he was also able to teleport them there by speaking Russian. Perhaps he’d underestimated this “Jimmy” fellow...he did say he was Jesus, anyway, didn’t he?

Jimmy swung in the window after him, landing normally. Thanos grunted a little as he got up - he’d landed ungraciously in the carpeted hallway. “How...how did you-”

“Boyfriend first, questions later.” Jimmy didn’t offer to help Thanos up, of course, and instead started going down the hall, leaving the large purple man to catch up with him. He stopped when the hallway ended, leaving them in a big, open room.

“Your move, purple man.” He stopped in the middle of the room, arms folded as Thanos slowly walked over to him, looking up and all around the large, open area. Hallways went everywhere - it was impossible to tell them apart.

Shrek? Where was Shrek?

Thanos closed his eyes and tried to concentrate. It had been so long since he’d felt Shrek’s loving touch, and it was making his heart ache again.

Come on, come on...focus…

Thanos concentrated harder, until that sixth sense finally kicked in.

“There.” Thanos stood up tall, pointing at a hallway to the left. “He’s being held in there.”

Jimmy stepped back, gesturing for Thanos to take the lead, which he gladly did. They went down the hallway in silence until they reached an iron door at the end. Thanos pulled at it, but it didn’t budge.

Starting to panic, Thanos pulled and banged on the door repeatedly. “Shrek!!”

“Keep it down,” Jimmy hissed, and Thanos noticed that he kept casting nervous glances over his shoulder.

“I can’t!” Thanos pulled harder at the door. Shrek was in there, he was sure of it!

“Move,” Jimmy grumbled, pushing Thanos aside. He stood in front of the door for a few seconds, glaring at it, then leaned back and flipped it off. He even gave it the doubles.

The door did nothing.

“Hm…” He trailed off, looking uncertain as he stepped back. “Last time I did that, the door fell down.”

“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH SHREK!” Thanos pounded the door with his Infinity Gauntlet, and the door came crashing down, landing in a pile of twisted metal.

“Weird flex but ok,” Jimmy remarked, doing that “hands in the pockets while bending over and leaning forward” thing.

Thanos hardly even heard him, dashing into the room. “SHREK!”

“Ayyyeee...laddeh?!” Shrek’s head popped up from behind a couch, slowly followed by Shaggy.

“Like, what the heck is your problem, man?” Shaggy scoffed, gesturing at the broken-down door.

Thanos ran over, raising his fist. “YOU STOLE SHREK!”

“Aye, whoa, laddeh!” Shrek put his hands up, moving in front of Shaggy. “I came willingly!”

“You...what..?” Thanos dropped his fist.

“Aye, I wanted to come!” Shrek glanced over at Shaggy and wrapped an arm around him. “We were gonna watch High School Musical together!”

“You...were going to watch High School Musical...without me?” Thanos asked weakly, feeling tears well in his eyes. His voice cracked.

“You should watch The Price is Right instead,” Jimmy butted in, leaning through the door frame. “Or if you’re into musicals, there’s this great one called American Idiot-” he broke off as he realized literally everyone was staring at him, and kind of looked away awkwardly, going silent. Shaggy looked at him for a few more seconds, then glared at Thanos. “Like, why is he still here, man?”

“He helped me get out of the city,” Thanos admitted begrudgingly. “And he wanted to come along.”

Jimmy flipped Shaggy off.

Shaggy growled, sliding off the couch and glaring between the two intruders. “Man, like, just let me and Shrek chill out for a bit.”

“NO!” Thanos shouted, grabbing Shrek by the arm and pulling the ogre towards him. “He’s MINE!”

“Laddehs!” Shrek exclaimed. “I like both of ye!”

“NO!” Thanos screamed. “YOU LOVE ME!”

“He wants to be with me, man.” Shaggy stepped forward, an eye starting to glow blue. “Now, like get out of here, before I make you.”

Speaking of the whole “eye glowing blue” thing, that bone was still sticking out of Shrek. Very strange. But it had just become a part of him by now.

Furthermore, if Shrek had come willingly, why did he try to fight Shaggy? And why would Shaggy teleport off with him like that? This wasn’t making any sense, mainly due to the fact that the author couldn’t be bothered to fix all these plotholes. It was making Thanos’ and the author’s head hurt.

“So you ain’t holding him captive?” Jimmy finally asked.

“What? Captive?” Shaggy looked baffled. “No, man! That’s gay.”

Wasn’t Shaggy in love with Shrek too? Thanos raised an eyebrow. This story still wasn’t making any sense. Not that it made much sense to begin with, of course.

“Shrek, come on. We’re going home.” Thanos decided gruffly, reaching towards his ogre boyfriend, who flinched and brushed him off.

“Nay, laddeh!” Shrek waved dismissively as he sat back on the couch. “I’ll watch a couple movies with this laddeh, then I’ll be home by tonight!”

“No.” Thanos was not leaving without Shrek.

Shaggy slowly walked forward until he was face-to-face with Thanos. “Just go, man, or else…” He raised a hand, revealing a faint blue fire.

“NO.” Thanos screamed. “GIVE ME BACK SHREK!”

“You asked for this, man…” Shaggy turned and fired what looked like a beam of ice at Shrek, who instantly became frozen. So like to him, when this was over, he wouldn’t realize that anything had happened, or that any time had passed. Because that’s convenient for plot.

Shaggy then fired a bunch of flames at Thanos, who stumbled backwards and crashed through the window. Panicking, he tried to grab onto something, although all he got was broken glass as he started to fall through the air.

All the snapping in the world couldn’t save him now.

Thanos closed his eyes, feeling the wind rush past him as he fell.

Better hold on tight.

Something was suddenly whipped across his face, making him gasp and open his eyes. He shouldn’t have been that surprised to see Jimmy further up, throwing a rope at him. “Grab it!”

Time seemed to move in slow motion as they fell, Thanos staring up blankly as Jimmy kept whipping the rope at him in a non-sexual way. Thanos was overcome with a sense of calmness, and felt himself relax. It was a surreal experience - feeling oddly calm with everything as he was falling to his death.

As Thanos obeyed, grabbing the rope slowly, he could hear Mad World playing in the background.

Wait what the fuck. Record scratch. Thanos blinked, snapping out of his trance as Jimmy tugged on the rope. You know, so that he at least had some control of where Thanos was falling, rather than just flailing around in the air.

Did Jimmy really just jump out a window after him? He was insane.

“Дерьмо,” the crazy man muttered (which sounded like “der’mo”), and a second later Thanos felt the cold metal of his Thanos Car underneath him.

The downside of landing in the Thanos Car is that a giant metal box falls much faster than two men. So they were now plummeting to earth.

“Well? What’re you waiting for?!” Jimmy snapped as he landed in the truck bed with Thanos. The purple man just stared at him. The wind was making quite the spectacle of his hair.

“Make it fly already!”

“What? Fly?” Thanos stared at him, baffled. “Thanos Car doesn’t fly!” Neither did Jimmy, really. He wasn't pretty fly for a white guy™.

“Thanos Car doesn’t fly?!”

“Thanos Car doesn’t fly!”

A second later, the truck crashed to the ground, hitting the pavement with a deafening crash!

Thanos groaned and held onto the truck as it bounced up and down, the metal creaking several times. Good thing he had just got new tires last week, and upgraded the suspension.

POP! Ssssss…

Thanos groaned again. Well, looked like he’d have to get new tires. Again.

The truck bed creaked as Thanos sat up and Jimmy hopped out. As Thanos stood up, he swayed a little; the truck was now quite lopsided due to the exploded tire.

“Your tire exploded,” Jimmy pointed out as Thanos jumped out of the truck bed. Thanos responded with a “no shit” look.

BANG! Sssss….

“Another one exploded,” Jimmy reported as he glanced around the truck, affirming his statement with a nod.

Thanos just looked at him exasperatedly. Then, he finally spoke. “Why did you think my car could fly?”

“Why wouldn’t it?” Jimmy retorted, folding his arms across his chest. “Don’t most ‘godly beings’ such as yourself have the fanciest tech?”

“These Infinity Stones weren’t free!” Thanos growled back, then sighed. “Whatever…” He turned around, feeling the familiar heartache for Shrek return. What was he supposed to do now? Shaggy was going to hold Shrek captive - he just knew it. Sighing again to himself, he kicked at a pile of broken glass, then looked up at the car. He hadn’t noticed until now that the windshield and car windows were shattered.

POP! Ssssss…

“I may be a dropout, but I don’t think the tires should still be popping,” Jimmy remarked, looking slightly concerned. Thanos started to share his concern, nervously looking at his Thanos Car as he could hear a faint buzzing sound.

All of a sudden, there was a swarm of yellow and black flying things that rounded the truck. There was a fourth POP as whatever these things were swarmed around the last tire, then headed for the two of them.

“Oh shit,” Jimmy said, his green eyes going wide.

CHAPTER 8: BEES BEES BEES

“ARRRGGGHH! WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?!” Thanos screamed, falling to the ground as he was engulfed by the strange flying things.

Jimmy didn’t answer, but he apparently thought that taking out his gun and shooting the things was a good idea. And so that is what he did.

“YOU GET BEES, YOU GET BEES, EVERYBODY GETS BEES!” A woman shouted, and Thanos looked up to see a 5’7 black woman giggling at them. (Seriously though, why is everyone 5’7??) She kept giggling, only to gasp and dodge quickly as a stray bullet nearly grazed her shoulder.

“WHAT’S GOING ON?!” Thanos just wanted to die.

The bees finally got spooked enough from the gun, and started to disperse and scatter. Thanos groaned, rolling over to discover he was covered in black needles. He was too tired to get up, so he just continued to lay on the ground and watch the two humans that were pretty small when compared to his giant stature.

They were both the same height, although with the way Jimmy slouched a lot, she looked taller than him. He heard their voices, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Thanos rubbed his head as his ears started ringing. These past two days had been crazy, and right now, he still wanted to die.

Thanos vaguely heard Jimmy give a “No, Oprah, we’re not going on your show,” as the ringing in his ears subsided. The woman responded with a “I’m not here for that, sweetie.”

Thanos slowly rolled himself to sit up as the woman, Oprah, went on. “I heard a huge bang, so I thought I’d come check it out for myself. And what do I find but you two with this hunk of junk!” She banged the side of Thanos Car, making Thanos growl.

“Yeah, so what about the bees?”

“Oh, hun, you know that’s my thing!” Oprah just smiled. “Bees for everybody! Now...what are you two up to down here?” She asked casually.

“I could ask you the same,” Thanos grumbled as he finally stood up. “Who are you, exactly?”

“She’s Oprah. You know, Oprah?” Jimmy gave him a look, doing his usual exaggerated “hands in the pockets and lean forward while giving you that look” thing.

“Who’s Oprah.”

“Me, hun!” Oprah smiled and waved. “You two look like you could use some help here,” she added, gesturing at Thanos Car with a thumb.

“I can fix it myself,” Thanos growled. Oprah ignored him though, clapping her hands. Thanos Car was instantly brand-new looking.

Thanos blinked. What the fuck.

An angry scream made him look up, and he saw two people falling from the top of the building. They appeared to be locked in combat, grabbing each other by the shirt and repeatedly throwing punches and kicks. He could hear them screaming in rage as they fought, even though they were both falling to their deaths.

Well, that wasn’t his problem. So Thanos turned around and started to walk off, accidentally blocking Jimmy, who was watching the fighting people in the sky.

“Move it!” He snapped, pushing Thanos. “I wanna see what happens when they fall.”

Thanos looked down at him, eyes widening a little. Well. Jimmy was a sadist, apparently.

“Sharpie’s a ghost and Ninja died,” Jimmy explained, noticing Thanos’ concerned state. “So, like, are they gonna die again, or are they immortal?”

Thanos slowly let his expression return to normal. That was actually an interesting question. He didn’t even realize that the fighting people must’ve been Ben and Ninja. And so, turning around, he stood next to Jimmy and watched them plummet to earth, Oprah giving the two of them a confused look.

Just as they were about to hit the ground, a bee flew right into Thanos’ face. “Ya like jazz?”

Thanos had started to growl when his view was blocked, only to scream as the bee spoke. Bees could talk? And they sounded like Jerry Seinfeld?!

“What? What the hell is your problem?” Jimmy scoffed, still watching the other two fistfight. Due to the bee right in his eyes though, Thanos didn’t see what happened when they hit the ground. This totally wasn’t the author making it happen on purpose to avoid explaining what happens when two people that are already technically dead plummet to the ground.

“B-B-BEE!” Thanos screamed, swatting at the bee in his face. The bee swerved, giving a “Whoooaaa!” as he dodged Thanos’ giant fist. “TALKING JERRY SEINFELD BEE!”

“No man that’s just the drugs.”

“I don’t take - AAAAAAHHH GET AWAY!!” Thanos swatted again as the bee flew closer. “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!”

“Listen, hey, hi!” The bee backed up, holding his gloved hands up and smiling nervously. “It’s okay, I’m just a bee.”

“A TALKING BEE!”

“Yeah, yeah, I can talk. But listen, I know this is awkward-”

“AWKWARD?! YOU’RE A TALKING BEE!”

“And you’re a big purple man!” The bee shot back, then shook his head. “Sorry. I think we started off wrong, so let’s try again. Hi, I’m Barry!”

“GET OUT OF HERE BARRY!” Thanos swung at the bee, making him scream and swerve again. “Wait, I can help you!”

“...How can you help me?”

“Us,” Jimmy added pointedly. Thanos glanced over at him, and wasn’t surprised to see that his arms were crossed. Thanos cocked an eyebrow. Was Jimmy a communist?

“You need to get in there, right?” Barry asked, gesturing at the Tilted Towers.

“Uhh...yeah-”

“Great! I can get you in there.”

Thanos looked between the other two to see if they thought that this talking bee was strange. They both seemed fine with it, Oprah even smiling and giving Thanos a wave as he looked at her.

Thanos blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. 182 times. “Right on, let’s get the fuck in there then.”

CHAPTER 9: YA LIKE JAZZ?

“Jazz is a music genre that originated in African American communities of New Orleans, United States, in the late 19th and early 20th centuries,” Barry said as he flew through the hallways of the Tilted Towers. He flew very slowly for a bee, and Thanos’ long legs were starting to hurt from the slow pace of following him. He guessed that Jimmy felt the same, seeing as he kept tripping over himself and grumbling for them all to “walk faster”. Oprah was the slowest of their group. She would stop to look at every painting or make a comment about the wallpaper. “That is hideous,” she’d said, pointing at a wall with old lady colors and flowers all over it.

“It developed from roots in blues and ragtime,” Barry went on. “Since the 1920s Jazz Age, jazz has become recognized as a major form of musical expression.”

“Do you have a jazz fetish?” Jimmy asked very blatantly. Thanos hissed, elbowing him in the side. “Be nice,” he growled quietly. “He’s helping us get Shrek back.”

“Mhm.”

Thanos sighed and rolled his eyes, then looked to Barry. “How much farther is it?” They probably could have made it there in 5 minutes without Barry and Oprah, instead of the 25 it had taken them so far.

“Oh, not much farther,” Barry replied, starting to buzz his wings a little faster. At the sudden increase in pace, Thanos was able to keep up easier. Barry rounded a corner, and Thanos followed.

“W-WHOOAA!” Thanos suddenly slipped and fell over what felt like the lovechild of black ice and smooth rubber. He went to get up, only to yell as he found that the ground had opened up right in front of him, and he was sliding in. He quickly grabbed onto the edge, dangling there on the ledge and shit. Looking up, he saw the face of Barry smiling creepily at him. “HAHA! You’ve fallen right into my jAzZy trap!”

Thanos stared in shock and horror as Barry’s head turned a full 360 degrees. He looked around frantically as he clung to the edge of the hole. He didn’t dare look below him.

Oprah? Jimmy? Thanos looked back and forth, but couldn’t see either of them. At least until Oprah stepped to the edge of the hole. Thanos was about to be relieved until he saw her smiling alongside Barry.

“Ho...ho...ho…” Oprah slowly kicked Thanos in the face, making him lose his grip on the edge of the hole. Thanos screamed as he found himself falling, looking down to see a blinding, hot red light. He looked back up as he fell, still shocked by the sudden betrayal. Barry and Oprah’s evil smiles were the last thing Thanos saw before he lost consciousness.

CHAPTER 10: IS THIS REAL LIFE OR JUST HELL?

Thanos slowly opened his eyes to find himself with a faceful of red rocks. Coughing and spitting out gravel, he frantically looked up and around him. He was on a large platform of red rocks and gravel. Fire burned every here and there, and in the distance, there were large lavafalls.

Was he in...the Nether?

With a grunt, Thanos slowly pushed himself to stand, wincing as every bone in his body seemed to ache. He was sick of this. He just wanted to get Shrek and live happily ever after so this stupid fanfiction could finally be over with. But oh no, the author was in too deep now. I mean, you’ve already read 9 chapters of this trash. And now you're on the 10th chapter. How do you feel about that?

Thanos was finally standing, although he’d rather be dead. And so, since he had nothing else he could do besides curl into a ball and cry, he decided to go walk around. Maybe Jimmy had fell in too. It was worth a look around, at least.

After about 5 minutes of wandering around, he still hasn't found Jimmy. Or anyone, for that matter.

How was he going to get out of here?! Thanos had only played Fortnite, not Minecraft. As such, he didn't have the slightest idea as to how to get out of the Nether.

Thanos froze as he suddenly heard a car horn beeping. Looking around in confusion, he tried to find where the sound had come from. After seeing nothing, he shook his head in frustration, adding it up to be random noises he was hearing in his head. So, ignoring the sound, he continued walking. Wasn't there supposed to be a Nether castle? Maybe something there would give him a clue as to how to get out.

Well, there was a cave, at least. Seeing as how the Nether was bright, Thanos glanced down into the tunnel that led to it. He decided he'd crawl down there for some reason.

He didn't get a chance to. Because a 2001 Honda Civic suddenly burst from the tunnel. Thanos screamed in terror, jumping backwards. He tried to get out of the way, but he was no match for the speeding sedan.

With a squeal of tires, the car screeched to a halt after hitting Thanos. The force of being hit sent Thanos flying backwards. He screamed as he flew through the air. After being airborne for a good 5 seconds, he landed with a hard thud in a pile of netherrack. Coughing and spitting out red gravel, he glared up at the car as the driver opened the door and stepped out.

"Hmm..." The driver stated, observing Thanos. He was very short and looked like some sort of goblin. He had pointy ears that were bigger than Link's. He wore some sort of robe(s) and used a staff to help him stand. Blinking slowly, he met Thanos' eyes. "New here, you are."

"What?" Thanos groaned, still glaring at the old goblin.

"Mm. Wrongfully stuck here, you seem to be? Desperate to escape, you are?"

"I er...I guess?"

"Hmm...Sense greater things, I do. Make a portal, you must."

"Portal..?"

There was an awkward silence between them as the midget goblin thing stared at him in what seemed to be disappointment. Finally, he spoke. "Mentally challenged, you are. Hmm?"

"What—No!" Thanos growled. "Why did you run me over with your 2001 Honda Civic, anyway?!"

"Pleased, Allah shall be." He stared up at the sky - or, the netherrack ceiling in this case - absently, then looked back at Thanos. "Gather at least 10 obsidian blocks, you must. Light it with flint and steel, you must then. Fill with a purple light, it will. Return to your world, you will then be able to."

"Alright, uh..." Thanos was silent as he took in the information. "Where do I get this...'obsidian'?"

He blinked, his eyes suddenly wide. He looked left, right, and then back at Thanos. The purple giant, still on the ground, stared back, waiting for an answer.

The goblin thing suddenly dived back into his car, so fast, in fact, that he dropped his staff. He revved the engine as he slammed the door shut, and Thanos felt his eyes go wide again. "Wait!"

He did not wait. He floored it. Straight ahead, and right over Thanos.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" Thanos screamed as he was run over by the 2001 Honda Civic. It hurt, but it somehow didn't break any bones. Probably because Thanos was very large and had his chestplate thing.

The tremendous weight was lifted off of him, and Thanos looked up, coughing up a bit of purple blood. He growled in frustration as he pushed himself up to stand, brushing off hot red gravel.

Obsidian, huh? Thanos didn't know what it was, let alone any idea how to obtain it here. Maybe his infinity gauntlet could be useful for once.

Snap.

Thanos' eyes widened in surprise as he was given a handful of obsidian. It actually worked!

If that worked, then surely he could just snap again and be teleported back to, well, earth, and he wouldn't have to deal with all this portal mumbo jumbo. But that would be too easy. And the story would end here, because, theoretically, he could have Shrek at his side with a snap. But for plot convenience, let's just say that Shaggy's power overpowers Thanos' power. Power power power. Now it sounds weird. You're welcome.

Back to the powerful story, Thanos looked over the black stones. Now how was he supposed to build a portal back? He had no idea. Hoping with just blind luck, he picked up a bunch of the stones and arranged them in a circle.

Nothing happened, of course.

Thanos stared at it, thinking, then snapped.

Still nothing?

It has worked perfectly when he wanted the obsidian, though!

...That had probably been the only time in this story that the infinity gauntlet would work in his favor.

He snapped again, anyway.

Oops. He just killed Hillary Clinton.

“Hey man, what’re you doing?”

Thanos turned around to see a guy walking up to him. Finally, someone that wasn’t 5’7. This guy was 5’10.

“I heard a lot of screaming over here, y’know,” the person went on when Thanos just stared at him, giving a shrug. He spoke rather quickly, and his voice was a little bit high-pitched for a man. He also had a lot of tattoos. "Heard a car, too. That was probably Yoda. He uh...he just keeps running over everyone in that 2001 Honda Civic." He cocked an eyebrow. "He thinks that if he keeps running us over, then 'Allah' will forgive him and grant him 'freedom from this hell'...or whatever." He shook his head.

Yoda. So that was his name. Good to know, Thanos supposed.

"Anyway, uh..." The guy went on, since Thanos didn't reply right away. "Welcome, I guess?"

“I'm not here to stay!" Thanos sputtered, stepping backwards. "I was pushed in here! And who are you, anyway?” He stood up straighter as he spoke gruffly, clenching the Infinity Gauntlet. Ever since the Barry and Oprah incident, he was wary on trusting anyone, even though he'd taken Yoda's word for the obsidian portal thing. And even if this guy just seemed like your average person, Thanos still wasn’t going to take any chances.

“I’m Chester,” he said, taking a step or two backwards at Thanos’ defensive stance. “And apparently suicide really does get you in hell." He chuckled a little at the deadpan-joke; he actually looked kind of nervous now that Thanos was standing over him.

Thanos stared down at him. “Wait a minute...you’re the Linkin Park guy!”

“Yeah, well, I was.” Chester gave a shrug. “Can you answer my question now?”

“I’m trying to...make a portal…”

“Well you’re not very good at it.”

“Whatever!” Thanos snapped. “I’m working on it!”

Chester said nothing. He just stood there with his hands in his pockets, looking down at Thanos’ pile of stones with pity.

“I saw you in Pizza Hut yesterday,” Thanos stated. “Did you just...kill yourself after that?”

“Hey man, you saw all that for yourself. How am I supposed to live after seeing that?” Chester waved a hand in the air as he spoke. “Yeah. I’ve been wanting to for years, but yesterday just finally tipped it off, I guess.”

Thanos had no idea what to say about that, so he just awkwardly turned away. He kicked disdainfully at the pile of stones, cursing to himself.

“Look man, I’ll help you out.” Chester got on his knees and started to clump the rocks together. Thanos watched as he quickly made what looked like a door frame out of the black rocks. Then he took a lighter out of his pocket and lit the rocks on fire. Thanos just stared. What was lighting the rocks on fire going to-

The flame flickered, and suddenly the door frame of rocks was filled with a mystical purple light. Thanos slowly stepped towards it, feeling the light flicker in his eyes. He turned back to look at Chester, who was standing casually off to the side with his hands in his pockets.

“Are you coming?” Thanos asked. Why would anyone want to stay here, after all? Or was this just a Wreck-it-Ralph thing where he wasn't able to leave?

“Nah man.” Chester shook his head. “I need some time alone. I like being by myself. But I might go back some day, probably just to give Mike a spook.” He gave a little chuckle.

“Alright. Thank you. I will remember you.” Thanos dipped his head to the tallest regular person he’d encountered in this story. "Oh, by the way..." He turned around before stepping into the portal. "Have you seen a guy around here? About this tall..." He held his hand low. "Messy black hair, probably wearing a leather jacket. He always looks angry at the world."

Chester blinked, rubbing his chin as he thought. "Uh...nope, can't say I have. But you just described the average punk rocker. Do you know his name?"

"He said his name was Jimmy."

"Nope, don't know any Jimmy's." Chester shoved his hands into his pockets again. "If I find him though, I'll let him know you were looking for him."

"Thank you." Thanos dipped his head again. With a wave, he stepped inside the portal. Purple light swirled around him, and he closed his eyes as he felt himself being teleported.

Thanos opened his eyes to find himself standing in front of the Tilted Towers. He was a little confused to find that the portal Chester had built was behind him right now. Was it supposed to do that? Maybe. Thanos didn’t know. Once again, he didn’t play Minecraft.

Stepping forward, Thanos inhaled deeply. Fresh, warm air filled his lungs. He stood tall, spreading his arms in an A-pose as he looked up at the massive structure that was Tilted Towers. He clenched his fist, feeling the familiar metal of his Infinity Gauntlet tighten around him. Nothing mattered to him right now more than Shrek. Oprah and Barry were in the past, and he would never trust them again. Maybe he'd see Jimmy again, or maybe he wouldn't. But right now, all he was focused on was getting Shrek back. Thanos narrowed his eyes.

I’m coming for you, Shaggy.

CHAPTER 11: CONFRONTING SHAGGY

There was a shift in the air. Now, you see, Thanos wasn’t a cat or anything, so he couldn’t just sniff the air and predict the weather like this was fucking Warrior Cats. But even a big purple man like him could tell that something was off. The sky looked dark and ominous, with shades of black and gray streaking in every direction. Thunder rumbled in the distance. It was almost dark enough to look like nighttime, even though it was only 3:50.

“Don’t even think about it,” Thanos growled as the Loch Ness Monster started to creep up behind him. The monster grumbled, then turned back around and plundered off into the forest. Because that makes sense.

He heard chatter and laughter nearby, so Thanos decided to go check that out. When he rounded the corner of the building, he found the ghostly Ben Shapiro and Ninja from Fortnite sitting at a table, playing cards and drinking. Thanos raised an eyebrow as he observed them. Weren’t they just shrieking furiously and trying to kill each other not that long ago? And was Ninja even old enough to drink?

“Go fish,” Ninja said, shifting his cards. Ben Shapiro drew a card from the stack.

“Do you have any 9s?”

“Go fish.”

As Ninja was drawing a card, he looked up and caught sight of Thanos. “The fuck you want you little shit?”

Thanos gave an irritated sigh, trying to hold onto his temper. If he was going to defeat Shaggy, he needed all the help he could get. “I need your help.”

“Why should we?” Ninja shot back with a scoff as Ben Shapiro turned around to look up at the purple man. “We don’t help libtards,” he remarked pointedly.

“Please.” Thanos dug into his pocket, and pulled out a handful of gems. “I can offer payment.”

Ben Shapiro stared at the gems, then gave a disgusted scoff. “They’ve been touched by a libtard!”

“Wait, Ben,” Ninja started, putting an arm across Ben Shapiro’s chest as he stood up and approached Thanos. “What do you want us to ‘help’ with?” He gave the purple giant a quizzical, yet slightly interrogating look.

“I need to defeat Shaggy.”

“Ok.” Ninja scooped up the cards and beer and dumped them in a bag, which he then slung over his shoulder. “Let’s go.”

“What.” Ben Shapiro stared blankly, clearly confuzzled at the quick, blunt decision his new friend had made. But he followed Ninja anyway, and together, the two of them followed Thanos as he approached his Thanos Car. It was still where he'd left it, looking brand new from when Oprah had fixed it. Should he trust that, though? Had Oprah rigged his car with some voodoo shit? Oh well. There was no time to ponder over that now.

Thanos pressed the unlock button on his keys, making the truck beep and unlock. “We are going to drive.”

“Ok.” Ninja seemed to think this was normal. Ben Shapiro was still staring blankly. “Excuse me what the fuck.”

“Get in.” Thanos got in the driver’s seat, and Ninja and Ben Shapiro both sat in the passenger seat. Ben was only 5’7 anyway. Thanos started the car and revved the engine, and then they were suddenly driving up the tower at a full 90 degree angle.

“Excuse me what the fuck,” Ben Shapiro repeated as he gestured out the window.

And then they were on top of the roof.

“This is fine,” Ninja commented as he hopped out of the truck.

“Why should I go against my boss?” Ben Shapiro inquired, standing with his arms crossed as he raised an eyebrow at Thanos.

Thanos grunted as he got out of Thanos Car, slamming the door shut behind him and locking it. “What do you mean, ‘your boss’?”

“...You really haven’t figured that out by now?” Ben Shapiro sighed. “You are such a stupid fricking libtard.”

“What? What?!” Thanos needed more plotholes to be sealed.

“Shaggy hired me to fight you when you arrived here,” Ben Shapiro explained. “He infused me with some of his own power to make me stronger. That is why I’m not dead. I’m living off of Shaggy’s power right now. If I were to go against him, he could destroy me in a heartbeat. All he has to do is take his power back, and I will return to my normal human form. And, as you saw for yourself, my human form is...well, dead.”

Thanos blinked at him. Damn. This lore was getting deep.

“But I will do it.”

Thanos gasped, standing with his mouth agape. “Y...you what?”

“I will do it,” Ben Shapiro repeated. “I have my own business to settle with Shaggy…” He turned around as he trailed off. “I will summon him here. Prepare yourselves, for this will be the battle of the century.”

CHAPTER 12: THE BATTLE BEGINS

It was sunset, but you couldn’t really tell because of the storm clouds that were moving overhead. Appropriate weather for an epic battle, really.

Thanos’ body was ready. Um...not in that way. You know what I mean. Shut the hell up.

He had already come to terms with the fact that he’d probably have to face Barry and Oprah first, and that the battle against Shaggy would be extremely unfair. He would probably lose, but at least he would die trying to save Shrek. It was unlikely, but with Ninja and Ben Shapiro on his side, Thanos hoped they still had a chance. If they died, then hopefully they’d have created a distraction long enough for Shrek to escape. It would be a surprise to Shaggy, of course, but a welcome one. Actually wait no Shaggy would just be fucking pissed and then hunt down Shrek again. But whatever.

“Are you ready?” Ben Shapiro asked, turning away from where he’d been looking up at the sky to glance up at Thanos.

“Aye aye, captain,” Thanos replied gruffly.

“What?” Ninja asked, looking over. “I can’t hear you.” He was wearing headphones because he was too poor for AirPods apparently. Even though he made tons of money from playing fucking Fortnite.

“AYE AYE, CAPTAIN,” Thanos growled loudly.

“Ohhhh…” Ben Shapiro slowly closed his eyes, folding his hands in front of his chest as he started to murmur in Japanese. “Who lives in the clouds and hunts us all?” He asked inbetween the weeb talk, his tone coming out sing-songy. The wind started to pick up, and it quickly gained high speeds, swirling dead leaves across the roof and making Ben’s short hair flap around everywhere. “Shag-gy Rog-ers,” he whispered, clapping his hands between the syllables before he continued to murmur in anime. The wind intensified until Thanos felt like he was standing in a tornado.

The Ultra Instinct Shaggy music started to blare from the sky as thunder pounded overhead, followed by a flash of lightning. Although he couldn’t be sure, Thanos was pretty sure he could also hear Megalovania start to play as the sky exploded with blue lightning. The sky looked like it was on fire, except in blue.

As the rain finally came, Thanos narrowed his eyes to stare up at the sky. A blue, iridescent figure was slowly descending from the sky. As it landed on the roof of the tower, it took the form of the teenager Thanos had learned to hate, befriend, fear, and despise.

Shaggy Rogers.

“Like, what do you want?” Shaggy scoffed, glaring over at Ben Shapiro. “I have a meatloaf in the oven, come on-” He broke off as he noticed Thanos standing there, then smiled and looked back over at Ben. “Did you, like, finally get him?”

“No…” Ninja stepped forward, a fist raised. “We got you.”

That was the signal. With Ninja’s words, the three of them jumped on Shaggy and started pummeling him.

“Ow! Ben, that’s my arm!”

“You just kicked my liver!”

“Guys!” Thanos growled, grabbing both of them by the shoulders and pulling them apart. “Shaggy’s gone.”

They looked down to see that in the midst of that, Shaggy had disappeared. That wasn’t very surprising. Thanos growled in frustration, turning around and glaring across the top of the tower. “Come out and fight us, you coward!”

Thanos was suddenly knocked over by a blue blast from behind, and was sent sprawling on his stomach. Ninja followed, but Ben Shapiro managed to dodge.

“You think you can like, defeat me, man?” Shaggy chuckled as he floated over, sitting on his usual cloud. The Ultra Instinct music got louder as he raised a hand, revealing the usual blue fire. Same moves, same tricks, yet they still couldn’t defeat him.

“YOU TRIED SO HARD…”

Thanos looked up as he heard someone scream-singing in the distance. Shaggy must have heard it too, seeing as he glanced up and behind him with a look of confusion.

“AND GOT SO FARRRR…”

Shaggy rolled his eyes, then turned back around to glare at the three of them. “You’re never gonna defeat me, man.” He swung his arm, and a beam went right for Ben Shapiro, who stood motionless.

“NO!” Ninja jumped up and intersected the beam, taking the shot that was meant for Ben.

“OH MY GOD TYLER!” Ben Shapiro screamed as Ninja slumped to the ground. The Fortnite streamer didn’t respond, but he was breathing heavily, eyes closed as he laid on his side.

“BUT IN THE EEEEND…”

The voice was much closer now, and Thanos could have sworn it was right behind him. He turned around to stare at the sky, but all he could see was rain and dark clouds, along with the dramatic lightning bolts that kept flashing.

“IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTERRR!”

“AAAAGHEAA!”

A giant, white square thing with jellyfish tentacles and crying, bloody eyes tore through the clouds with a shriek. Thanos gasped. A ghast!

Squinting against the rain, he could see two people on top of the ghast. But they were still too far away to make out, plus the rain wasn’t helping.

“EAT PANT!” Came an unholy screech from one of the people on top of the ghast. The ghast, whose eyes had been closed, suddenly opened them again and shrieked loudly. A second later, a giant fireball was shot from its mouth.

Thanos stared for a few seconds, until realizing with a jolt that the fireball was going right for them. He grabbed Ben Shapiro and Ninja by their shirts, tugging them out of range of the fireball. It hit the steel roof with a BOOM, shaking the building and making Shaggy stagger backwards with a “WHOA, MAN!”

When Thanos looked back over, he saw Shaggy looking rather pissed. “Alright, I’ve had just about enough of all of you. I could end all your lives in a second, but I won’t. It’s more fun to toy with you, torture you, watch you beg for your lives as I drain the life out of you…” He gave an evil smirk, his tone becoming dark like when he reminded them that he was god. Still smirking, he snapped. “I’ll let my friends deal with you, first.”

As Thanos had predicted, Oprah and Barry were both there. Even though they had initially seemed harmless on the outside, now they both were smirking evilly, their eyes glowing red and their teeth sharp, a shadowy black outline of flames following both of them. Were they possessed, or was that their natural form? He didn’t know.

“YOU HAD TO FALL, TO LOSE IT ALLLL…”

Thanos looked up to see the ghast hovering just by the tower. Now that it was closer, he could actually see the ghast and whoever was riding it. Atop it, he could see Chester, and...what? No, that was impossible..!

“SHUT UP!” Jimmy yelled, hands on his head as he glared at Chester. “JESUS! I CAN’T STAND IT EVEN IRONICALLY!”

Yep, that was definitely Jimmy.

“But, in the end...it doesn’t even…” Chester trailed off with a frown. “Whatever.” He shook his head. “Let’s just kick Shaggy’s ass.”

“Shaggy?” Jimmy asked, looking a little pissed as he usually did. “What about Thanos?!”

“Oh, right, him first.” Chester pulled the reins that were attached to the ghast, making it shriek again. Thanos froze, realizing that the ghast was now facing him.

“What?!” The large purple man choked out, gesturing frantically at Oprah and Barry, who were slowly approaching himself and Ben Shapiro, seeing as Ninja was still down. “I thought we were friends! Are you...are you here to kill me..?!”

“You almost killed me!” Jimmy yelled, looking baffled. “Of course I’m here to kill ya!”

“B-But what about them?” Thanos pleaded. Barry and Oprah were still approaching slowly, menacingly.

“Well yeah, I’m gonna kill them too,” Jimmy shrugged. “Basically I hate you all so we’re just gonna kill everyone so we can go home.” He glanced at Ninja. “Well, I’ll spare him. Maybe Shaggy too. But yeah, the rest of you can go to hell.” With that, he yanked on a rein, and the ghast shrieked and fired another fireball.

Thanos didn’t have time to dodge it, and got hit in the face by the flaming hot light. “AARGH!” As the fire dissolved and burnt out, he realized he couldn’t see. The fire had messed up his eyesight, but in losing one sense, his other ones were sharpened. He could hear pretty well right now. So the tradeoff wasn’t too bad there.

“Whoa man, like Bill, relax,” Chester exclaimed quietly, which was followed by an angry ghast shriek. “Don’t tell me what to do!” Jimmy retorted. The ghast shrieked again, and Thanos was hit by another fireball.

“Joe! Seriously! Chill!” Chester exclaimed again, a little louder this time.

“Jimmy? Bill? Joe?!” Thanos growled as he sat up, rubbing his eyes as he tried to focus his eyesight. “What the hell’s your name?!”

“What’s your pleasure, what is your pain?” The conflicting man with some sort of personality disorder replied, and Thanos was sent sprawling by another fireball.

“LIBTARD!” Ben Shapiro yelled, and Thanos could barely make out his figure hanging onto the side of the building. A gust of rainy wind made him lose his grip, and Mr. Shapiro disappeared from sight.

“Oh, this is even better,” Shaggy chuckled. He waved his arm up, and Oprah and Barry were swept up into the air, where they just kind of hovered in front of Shaggy’s cloud. “I can let you guys, like, kill each other. Why didn’t I think of this before?”

“Because you’re dumb,” Thanos scoffed.

“No you,” Shaggy retorted.

“Fuck I can’t believe you’ve done this!” Cursed by Shaggy’s words, Thanos felt his IQ start to lower drastically. He could no longer understand Rick and Morty memes. “NOOOO!”

“Like, get dunked on, man.” Shaggy winked, his open eye glowing blue as Megalovania got louder.

A low groan sounded from the left, and Thanos turned to see Ninja pushing himself up to stand. “Ninja!” He gasped. “We have to save Ben!”

Ninja rose slowly. He rose fitfully, spiraling to his end. As he stood, he looked Thanos in the eyes. In his eyes, of which, there was...a little surprise.

One eye was glowing blue, and he had a smirk on his face. “Are you prepared to handle an unenjoyable experience?”

That sounded like rape. Thanos didn’t want to stick around for that. Seeing that Ninja was now possessed, he looked all around. He was surrounded. It was up to him to face Ninja while dodging the ghast. Then after that, he’d have to beat Oprah and Barry, and finally, if he made it that far, Shaggy.

“Go to hell!” Came an angry growl from above, followed by the shriek of the ghast as it fired yet another fireball. Thanos gasped and barely managed to dodge it. He squeezed his eyes shut as the fireball exploded on the roof, showering everything in flames and blocking out the stormy sky.

He stared up at the ghast. Chester just looked apathetic as hell while Jimmy had his usual “pissed off” look. Thanos stared up at them, and for a moment Jimmy glanced at him. Malachite eyes met violet as they stared at each other. “...Please?” The shorter man added quietly. He almost looked desperate.

“STOP!” A new voice boomed from the skies. Thanos looked up and was greeted with another flash of lightning, followed by thunder. Blinking through the harsh rain, he saw a well-dressed, T-posing black man descending from the clouds.

Shaggy growled, standing up from where he’d been sitting on his cloud. “Like, get out of here, Obababam.”

“No,” Obama stated firmly as he landed on the building, still T-posing. Shaggy was actually taller than him. Cause Obama’s 6’1. Research is important for your fanfiction, kiddos.

“You need to work together,” Obama began. “We are a country. We need to stick together. Unity. U-ni-ty. Noun. The state of being united or joined as a whole. Unity is what we all need to have with our fellow men and women. It is a whole or totality as combining all its parts into one. The state or fact of being united or combined into one, as of the parts of a whole; unification. It is the absence of diversity; unvaried or uniform character. Oneness of mind and feeling, as among a number of persons; concord, harmony, or agreement. Unity is the state of different areas or groups being joined together to form a single country or organization. We have to act to preserve the unity of this nation. When there is unity, people are in agreement and act together for a particular purpose.”

“FAKE NEWS.” Thanos blinked as Donald Trump shoved open the door that was the roof entrance from inside the Tilted Towers, letting it slam shut behind him. “THIS COUNTRY IS RUINED.”

“AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” Jimmy screamed with a sudden rage. He seemed to forget all about Thanos and everyone else as he angled the ghast at the president. Thanos counted 7 consecutive fireballs that were fired straight at the orange man. Yikes.

Obama gave the angry short man an army salute from where he was still standing on the roof, his suit blowing dramatically in the stormy wind. “You are doing your country a great favor, sir.”

Trump screamed in rage, his skin glowing bright orange from the fire.

“Oh come on,” Shaggy muttered. “Why do you all have to make this so complicated..? Y’know what, just like…” He waved his arm, and Oprah and Barry were suddenly dropped into the chaos. “Go fight for me while I check on the meatloaf.” With that, he snapped his fingers and disappeared.

CHAPTER 13: THE BATTLE SLOWLY CONTINUES

Thanos growled in frustration as the teenager disappeared. They were here to fight Shaggy, not Oprah, Barry and...wait. Who was even on what side? Thanos had no idea who was fighting who anymore. He blinked, looking around at everyone. Who was he supposed to fight?

Obama was just standing in the center of everyone, giving a loud speech about teamwork and peace as he continued to t-pose. Trump was on the ground, sputtering out nonsense. Ben Shapiro was fucking dead...Probably. Ninja was doing the default dance, a blue glow illuminating him as bones jutted out from the ground around him. The ghast looked bored. Chester looked like he wanted to commit suicide a second time. Jimmy was checking his phone. Oprah and Barry were still standing there menacingly, slowly moving towards Thanos, but he didn’t even care anymore.

“So, uh...is anyone gonna do anything?” Chester finally asked, an elbow propped up on his knee as he rested his head on it boredly.

Nobody paid attention to him. Everyone just continued to ignore each other and do their own thing. Certainly strange how quickly the impending battle had just dispersed.

However, everyone suddenly snapped to attention when Chester gave that iconic, demonic, blood-curling Chester-scream. He held it for a good 10 seconds.

“What?!” Jimmy snapped as he slipped his phone in his pocket. “Are you fucking retarded?!” After all, being right next to Chester, he probably had ear-damage now.

“PEOPLE IN THE PIT GET READY TO BOUNCE!” Chester yelled, grabbing the reins from Jimmy and giving them a tug. Jimmy blinked at him, looking somewhat confused. “Wait but isn’t Shinoda supposed to say that-” he had begun to ask quietly, but was drowned out by the ghast screaming and shooting another fireball.

Thanos gasped, jumping to the side. He landed roughly on his stomach, but managed to avoid the worst of the blast. Trump wasn’t so lucky - the fireball, of course, had been directed right at him, so his toupee became engulfed in flames.

“Guys!” Thanos called. “We have to stop Shaggy!”

“Shut it, you purple retard,” Jimmy muttered. Thanos was sent sprawling backwards with a fireball directed at him.

“Shaggy is god,” Ninja replied monotonously, his voice echoing with the sound of many tortured souls.

“Shaggy is god,” Oprah and Barry repeated in unison, still smirking and looking like some edgy ripoff of Shadow the Hedgehog.

“And I am god’s greatest president!” Trump announced conceitedly, standing up now. He wasn’t standing for long before Jimmy knocked him down with another fireball though.

“We are all god on this blessed evening,” Obama declared nobly.

“You libtards are all wrong!”

Thanos turned around and gasped. Ben Shapiro held onto the edge of the tower, grunting as he hauled himself up. His hair was a scruffy mess, and blood streaked his face. His shirt was torn in several places. As he scowled at them, Thanos could see that he’d lost a couple of teeth.

“Thanos is right,” the libtard-destroyer growled. “We have to stop Shaggy. Quickly, before he checks on his meatloaf.”

“Shaggy is a god and you are a mortal,” Ninja stated eerily. He gave a finger gun, and two gaster blasters sprung out from behind him. Thanos and Ben stood side by side, both of them freezing in fear as the gaster blasters started to approach them. Then, all of a sudden, they each grew a body and started to default dance.

“W...what the fuck?” Ben Shapiro asked quietly.

“STOP BEING TRENDY!” In two shakes of a lamb’s tail, the gaster blasters were knocked away by a fireball. Thanos blinked, turning to stare up at Jimmy with complete and utter confusion.

“What?” Jimmy asked. “I don’t like Fortnite.” He shrugged, then made the ghast shoot a fireball at Ninja. The YouTuber let out a loud “GAH!”, rolling across the roof.

“We need to take out the ghast,” Thanos mumbled to Ben Shapiro. He was relieved when Ben Shapiro nodded in agreement. It was nice to finally have somebody on his side.

Ben Shapiro was already ascending in the air, heading straight for the ghast. Chester was the first to notice him, and nudged Jimmy. “Oh shit. J. J. J. J. J He’s coming-”

He didn’t need to finish, as Jimmy quickly noticed Ben Shapiro and immediately fireballed him. Ben Shapiro’s eyes went wide at the sudden fireball. He just barely managed to dodge it. Growling, he raised both hands, which were illuminated with a blue fire. “You put up a pretty good fight for a libtard…”

“There’s nothing left for you to say, soon you’ll be dead anyway.” Two more fireballs. Ben Shapiro was prepared this time, and easily dodged both of them. “Thanos!” He shouted down at the purple man, a blue fire charging up in his right hand. “Use your gauntlet!”

His gauntlet. Holy fucking shit. Thanos hadn’t done anything useful with it throughout this entire story besides killing Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton. Even though the wearer was supposed to be able to make it do whatever they wanted, it had been pretty much useless. Thanos stared up at Ben Shapiro, his purple eyes betraying his fear. “I-I can’t!”

“What?! Thanos!”

“I’M GONNA SAY THE N WORD!” Trump’s shriek suddenly cut through the air. Thanos whirled around to see Obama and Trump facing off. Thanos gasped. “You can’t say that!” He exclaimed. “It’s racist!”

Trump just smirked, folding his arms as Obama started to walk up to him like Dio walking to Jotaro. Thanos could only watch as a blue fire illuminated Obama. Seriously though, what was with everyone and their blue fire? It was a weird flex.

“MR. OBAMA GET DOOOOWN!” Chester screeched as Jimmy kept shooting fireballs at Ben Shapiro, who dodged all of them as he continued to charge up a fire in both of his hands. Obama ignored him as he bravely stood up to Trump. “You will never win, Trump.”

“FUCK IT ARE YOU LISTENING? NOOOOOOOO!!”

Trump was still smirking, and slowly opened his mouth. “Nnnniiiiii-”

“-NTENDO 64!” Jimmy interrupted, jumping off the ghast. Chester screamed after him, but Jimmy didn’t care. He landed on Trump, knocking him to the ground. He wasted no time in starting to beat up the president, even though that’s gotta be a federal crime or something.

With Chester distracted and Jimmy beating up the president, Ben Shapiro was free to fire his charged-up flames at the ghast. He hit it in the eyes, making it shriek loudly. It turned red as it was hit. It’s bloody eyes shot open, staring straight at Ben Shapiro. Chester pulled on the reins to try and hold it back, but it was useless. The ghast was fucking pissed.

A rapid succession of fireballs came from its mouth. Ben Shapiro gasped and tried to dodge. A bunch of fireballs hit him at once, making him cry out and stumble, losing his balance in the air. Thanos gasped as he started to fall. Ben Shapiro fell quickly and landed right on Ninja, who Thanos realized had started to creep up behind him. The purple person exhaled, rubbing his forehead. He hadn’t even noticed Ninja.

As Ben Shapiro and Ninja started to wrestle on the ground, Thanos turned back around to find Oprah had also crept up on him. “Oh come on…” he groaned. “We need to stop fighting each other!” He yelled. “We have to stop Shaggy!”

“Shaggy is god,” Oprah smiled, waving her hand. The rain suddenly started to gather up into a ball of water. Oprah smirked, grabbed the ball of water, then flung it at Thanos. She continued to do this, repeating it several times. Thanos tried to gasp, panicking when he realized he couldn’t breathe. She was drowning him!

“WĘL͝C҉OM̷E ̶TO̧ ̢A̶ ͏WOR̡L͠D ͡WH͡E̕R̴E D͞R̸EA͢ḾS̨ BE͝COME̕ ҉NĮG͢HT̢MA̸R͏ES̢!” Barry snickered in his ear, buzzing around his head and swerving in between the water.

There was an angry scream, and a second later, Trump was flung through the air. He crashed into Oprah, making her gasp and stumble as they both went flying across the tower. Because that totally made sense, especially when they landed on the Ben Shapiro flag.

Thanos turned to look over at Jimmy, who’s black hair looked messier than usual. He must have just thrown Donald Trump. Okay, now that was epic. Thanos continued to watch as Chester made the ghast go lower until it was touching the top of the tower. He said something to Jimmy, who rolled his eyes a little, nodded, said something back, then climbed back up on the ghast. Chester whipped the reins, making the ghast shriek and ascend into the air again.

“YOU GET BEES!”

“Gaaah!” Thanos jumped as Oprah teleported in front of him. He tried to punch her in the face, but she teleported away with a vortex sound. “YOU GET BEES!” Thanos flinched again, clutching his head as Oprah screamed from behind him. Another vortex sound, and she was in front of Thanos again. “E̞̱̳͠V̺̣̬̯̳͉̪E̱͚̜̞̤̼̙̕R͉̲̹̥͝Y̱B̪̘O̯̱̣͖̯D̖͇̀Ý̰̤̙̺̣͕͖ GETS B̡E̴͚̹͈E̝̞̙̜͞S!” She smirked, her voice echoing with the sound of a thousand tortured souls. Thanos had no time to react as Oprah grabbed him by the throat, still smirking as she threw him across the tower. Thanos landed against the door roof entrance hatch thing (what the hell do you call them) with a loud thud, groaning afterwards.

Thanos was sick of this. He was completely and utterly sick of this. Slowly rising, he ignored the searing pain that jutted through his body. He stood to face Oprah as her and Barry approached him.

“Kill me if you must,” he growled. “But I’m taking you with me.” With those edgy words, he snapped with his Infinity Gauntlet. Barry suddenly froze, his wings going stiff. Oprah turned to look at her bee, her eyes wide. “Barry..?!”

Barry tried to choke out a response before his eyes glazed over and he fell from the air, landing limply on the ground. Oprah watched him go down, then slowly turned to look up at Thanos, rage in her eyes. “Your ̢t͏imé ̛is͢ b̴o͢r͞r̢o̧w҉ed͟.”

With those ominous words, she reached out and grabbed Thanos by the neck with both hands. He squirmed, slipping out of her grip and landing on the ground. Oprah stood over him, raising a leg to stomp on his face. “Y̡our ͝t͝ime͡ ̵h͟as̴ ̀c̡óm̨e to ͡b͞e r̸e̸pl̶aced.”

Thanos felt a dark energy start to course through his veins when Oprah stepped on him. His limbs twitched; the purple man jolted in alarm as he realized he wasn’t making them move. Blackness started to creep in on the sides of his vision. He gasped, flailing his arms, but his body was starting to freeze. Groaning loudly, he tried to push Oprah off of him. His strength and power was beginning to ebb. He was too weak to even snap. Thanos realized that he was no longer in control of his body. All he could see was Ben Shapiro and Ninja further off, still wrestling on the ground.

“AAAAAGGHGHAEAHGHAAAA!” The ghast’s tentacles suddenly swept over them. Oprah gasped as she became tangled up in the white rectangles. “YOU͟ BUF͠F͢OO͝Ņ! YOU ÀB͏S̵OL͝U͡TE ̴BƯF͝F̡OO̢N!” She cursed as she started to get dragged off. “͡ÝOU ͠ARÈ ̨N̵OT ̧I̶ŅVI͢TE͜D̴ ͡T̵O MY N̨EXT ̵S̴H҉OW̸!”

Thanos gasped as he started to regain power over his limbs. With a burst of fresh air, the blackness cleared from his vision. He looked up to see Oprah being dragged off by the ghast; she was all tangled up in its tentacles (not in that way you fucking weeb). “That’s what you get for rejecting us 44 times!” Chester yelled down at her as he controlled the ghast. “Uh...what...but Oprah isn’t a record company-” Jimmy started to point out, but was cut off by a Chester-scream. The shorter man closed his eyes in exasperation.

“IT'S̀ NOT̨ OVE͟R̶ '̧ŢI͡LL ͜YO͡Ư'RE̶ U͘NDE͢RG̨RO͝UN͟D…” A voice growled loudly from behind Thanos.

Purple guy stiffened. Barry!

CHAPTER 14: THE BATTLE RAGES

...Barry?! Thanos whirled around to find the bee snarling at him. He was completely black, with glowing red eyes. He hovered right in front of the purple giant’s face. Thanos growled, snapping with the Infinity Gauntlet behind his back. A fly swatter appeared in his hand. As Barry hovered closer, Thanos swung the fly swatter at him. He winced in disgust as Barry’s guts splattered all over it with an agonizing scream.

The purple man breathed heavily. He hoped Barry would be gone for good this time.

“YO̧U ͏CA̶N̡'T͏ ÉS͠C͜A̢P͞E, M̵OR̸T̵A̴L̨!”

Thanos groaned in annoyance at the sound of Oprah’s voice, slowly turning around to find her standing there. “Please,” he said. “Can you don’t.”

Oprah smirked, showing several sharp teeth. She raised both arms, and Thanos could see black flames gathering in her hands. ”P̷R҉EPAR͘E ̧TO̡ M̢E͢E͝T Y̧O͜U͏R ҉END҉!” She held her hands out to fire, and Thanos braced himself. There was no way he was getting out of this without being killed or possessed.

“I like trains,” was a sentence fragment he randomly picked up from Chester, and Thanos glanced up to see that the two on the ghast were having a conversation. Why they were talking about trains in the middle of a battle was something Thanos would never figure out. “I met a little boy named Train once,” Jimmy added. “He-”

DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING!

Thanos blinked as he heard the railroad crossing signal. He looked back and forth, yet saw nothing. Looking in front of him, he saw Oprah looking confused as well. She shook her head and growled. “Enough with the interjections saving you all the time!” She hissed, her voice sounding normal and not all possessed with the “thousand tortured souls” thing. “Seriously, why does the author feel the need to keep saving your....A̷͜S̸̵S̵͝!”

Thanos could only stare as a train came out of nowhere and barreled into Oprah, both running her over and pushing her off the building. It would have been a very gruesome sight had she not just dissolved into a bunch of shadows and black flames. The purple man watched, slowly rising as he blinked several times. Was she dead?

“Ah, shit!” Came a curse from above, and he glanced up to see the two on top of the ghast looking down at him - Jimmy was glaring, and Chester’s gaze was unreadable. “It missed him!” Jimmy complained. He grabbed one of the reins from Chester, yanking on it. “Why won’t you just DIE?”

Thanos heard something rolling on the ground behind him, and after tucking and rolling to dodge another giant fireball, whirled around to find a bunch of dice scattered about. With a confused glance, he looked up to see Ben Shapiro and Ninja sitting cross-legged across from each other.

“What’s your armor class?” Ben Shapiro asked.

“16,” replied Ninja.

“I rolled a 12, plus 10, so 22.” Ben grabbed another die and rolled it. “I hit you for 6 points of damage.” He then stood up and punched Ninja in the face. Ninja just sat there as Ben Shapiro punched him, watching the libtard-destroyer neutrally as he sat back down. Sharpie blinked at him. “Okay, your turn.”

Ninja rolled his die. “7 plus 8. 15.”

“My armor class is 17,” Ben Shapiro stated. “You miss.”

“Damn, not here!” Ninja banged his fist on the ground in frustration.

Thanos watched the two of them go back and forth like this for a while as he half-consciously dodged fireballs. What the fuck was he watching, exactly? He’d never seen a fight like this before.

“YĄ ̡LI̕KE͟ J͡A͘ZZ̵?!̀”

Thanos flinched as Barry B. Benson suddenly screamed in his ear. Again? Seriously?! He whirled around and tried to smack the Jerry Seinfeld bee, but he swerved out of the way and buzzed around Thanos, making him dizzy. “I̕'͞Ḿ G͢OI̡N͠G TO S͏U͟E͞ ͘YÓÙ~” The bee sang eerily as he buzzed around the purple man’s head.

There was a thump from behind him, and Thanos swatted Barry out of the way as he stared at Ben Shapiro and Ninja. It appeared that Ben Shapiro had won the fight - Ninja was now knocked unconscious.

“S͏U͟E͞ ͘YÓÙ~” Barry repeated, dragging his voice out in a sing-songy way. Thanos started to lose awareness of his surroundings, and for a few seconds, he forgot about the battle. Instead, he was starting to feel sleepy. He blinked slowly and stumbled. His legs felt numb. He couldn’t feel Barry there. He was becoming tired, so much more aware. He was becoming this. All he wanted to do was be more like himself and be less like Barry.

Thanos snapped out of the trance as he heard music in the distance. Angrily swatting at Barry and turning away, he glanced off at the dark clouds in the distance. It seemed to be getting closer.

“For the grace, for the might of our lord!”

Thanos narrowed his eyes against the rain, which had started to lighten up. He glanced behind him to see if anyone else was hearing this. Chester looked a little confused, and Jimmy was screaming at Trump again, who had pulled himself up onto the building once more. Barry had been about to bite Thanos like a vampire, but stopped when he too appeared to hear the music. Obama started to T-pose more aggressively. “OUR NATION, UNDER GOD, WITH JUSTICE AND LIBERTY FOR ALL...Except Kevin Jonas.” Nobody seemed to even notice or care that the former president had just butchered the pledge of allegiance.

Ben Shapiro looked up and stared behind him as the music got louder, a fist still raised from where he stood over Ninja’s unconscious body.

The rain continued to lighten, eventually stopping entirely. The dark gray clouds started to move apart, revealing the bright orange, setting sun. There seemed to be a pause in the battle as the eye of the storm moved in. Thanos squinted his eyes against the rays of light, glancing down at everyone’s long shadows being cast across the roof. Jimmy waved at his shadow for some reason.

“For the home of the holy! For the faith, for the way of the sword! Gave their lives so boldly!”

From between the clouds, illuminated by the sunset, burst the battle bus...except it was an ambulance. It flew quickly over to the top of the building where everyone was.

Ben Shapiro’s eyes widened as the ambulance hovered over him. He tried to get out of the way, but he was too slow. The battle ambulance landed heavily, crushing Mr. Shapiro.

Thanos covered his ears, since the music that came from the battle ambulance was now blaringly loud.

“For the grace, for the might of our lord! In the name of his glory! For the faith, for the way of the sword - come and tell their story again!”

“Uh...what?” Chester asked quietly, also covering his ears. Everyone was covering their ears by now, except for Ben Shapiro, Ninja, and Oprah obviously - they were like, dead, or something. Oh and Barry. Because he was a fucking demon, that’s why.

“DEUS VULT!” The ambulance driver shouted, sticking his head out the window. Thanos could see now that he was a crusader. Apparently crusaders just drove ambulance battle busses in 2019.

The crusader jumped out of the window, landing with a solid thud as he brushed his chestplate off, despite not being dusty in the first place. He didn’t bother shutting off the music, so Thanos had to groan and continue covering his ears as The Last Stand kept blaring.

“A COMRADE HAS FALLEN!” The crusader shouted over the music. “WE HAVE COME TO SAVE HIM IN THE NAME OF JERUSALEM!”

“You’re too late the Jews got it,” Trump called over. The way he said ‘Jews’ sounded pretty condescending. Jimmy flinched at that, yelling something about Hitler as he made the ghast shoot another fireball at the president. Trump stumbled, losing his balance from the fireball, and wound up grabbing onto the Ben Shapiro flag again.

The back door of the ambulance suddenly flung open with a slam, and Thanos stared wide-eyed as what looked to be hundreds of crusaders dashed out. “DEUS VULT!” They all screamed repeatedly. Their voices overlapped each others as they ran wildly in circles, banging their swords against their shields or raising their arms to the sky. “DEUS VULT! DEUS VULT! DEUS VULT!”

One of the crusaders got on top of the ambulance, squatting and shrieking loudly. Chester took that as a challenge and started to scream at the crusader. The crusader screamed back, and before long they were both screaming bloody murder at each other.

“THE COMRADE HAS FALLEN!” The crusader who’d jumped out of the window earlier screamed at the rest of the crusaders. They all froze (except the one on top of the ambulance, of course), turning to stare at who was presumably their leader. “THE COMRADE HAS FALLEN!” A crusader repeated. “THE COMRADE HAS FALLEN!” They all repeated at once.

The crusader on top of the ambulance suddenly ripped his chestplate/shirt open to reveal this:
(artwork by me age 4)

“культ бога!” (KUL'T BOGA!) The crusaders suddenly shouted.

“Can you translate that?!” Thanos yelled up at Jimmy, who was watching all of this go on with a look of “excuse me what the fuck.” He continued to watch the crusaders for a few seconds before slowly answering. “They’re roughly saying…’Cult of God’.”

“WHAT?!” Thanos screamed. “WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US?!”

As he screamed that, one of the crusaders broke off from the group and charged Thanos. He flinched, instinctively blocking his chest with his Infinity Gauntlet. The crusader stopped right in front of him, stretching up to stand face-to-face with the purple giant. Thanos shivered as he felt the cold metal of the crusader’s helmet press against his forehead.

“WE WANT JERUSALEM!” The crusader yelled deeply. Thanos was frozen, standing stiff like a wall. The crusader continued to glare at him through that blank, dark opening in his helmet. He continued to stand like that, with his face pressed against him, for a good 10 seconds before turning away and charging off as quickly as he’d come.

Thanos was still standing frozen. What the fuck was going on.

He could only watch as the crusader leader picked up Ninja’s body and pushed him into the ambulance. Ninja mumbled something half-consciously, rubbing his forehead as he tried to blink his eyes open. “Hush, warrior,” the crusader murmured, placing a gloved hand over Ninja’s mouth. “You will be in Fortnite heaven with your comrades soon, when we reclaim the Holy Land.”

Ninja’s eyes shot open wide. He tried to protest, but his voice was muffled by the crusader’s hand. The crusader then shoved him into the ambulance, slamming the door shut after that. At the sound of the slam, all of the crusaders shut up their cries of kul’t boga at once, turning to stare at their leader.

“COMRADE HAS BEEN SECURED!” He yelled.

“COMRADE HAS BEEN SECURED!” All the crusaders repeated.

The leader hopped back into the driver’s seat as all the crusaders piled back into the ambulance. It was like watching all those clowns at the circus come out of the tiny car, except they were crusaders. And they were piling into the back of an ambulance after kidnapping Ninja from Fortnite. The driver turned the radio up even louder, making Thanos wince and cover his ears again.

The battle ambulance started to ascend, even though the screaming crusader from earlier was still on top of it. As him and Chester continued to scream at each other, the flames from the hot air balloon part gave a loud whoosh! The driver crusader laughed heartily, looking down at everyone and giving them a salute before he floored it. The crusader on top of the ambulance gave Chester the double flip-off as, with the driver’s laugh, the battle ambulance zoomed off into the setting sun. As it moved to momentarily block the sun, Thanos could see that the storm clouds were moving in once again.

“Dying for salvation with dedication! No capitulation, annihilation..! Papal commendation, reincarnation...Heaven is your destination~!”

In the distance, he could see the silhouette of the crusader on top of the ambulance. As the vehicle zoomed off, he could see the crusader start to do the orange justice. Chester kept screaming after the crusader, his brown eyes alight with rage. And he kept screaming until Jimmy yelled at him to shut the fuck up.

Thanos slowly uncovered his ears as the music faded away and Chester’s screaming stopped. Blinking up at the sky, he saw that the battle ambulance, along with Ninja, was now gone. Dark gray clouds were now covering the sun again, and a light drizzle began to fall.

He didn’t get to stare for long though, seeing as Barry somehow shoved him into the side of Thanos Car, which had just been sitting there throughout the battle. As the storm slowly resumed, it seemed like the battle would too. Thanos groaned, sitting up and rubbing his head as Barry hovered closer to him.

“T̡HOU̢G̡H̶T͢ ̢Y͠O̸U ̵C͟O҉UL͟D͟ ̀ESCA͡PE͡ ̵A̧G̢AIN̴?͜”

Thanos froze as he heard Oprah’s voice. Slowly turning around, he saw Thanos Car now had the face of Oprah Winfrey. “H̵̛A̸͝H̴AH͏̷͘Á̵H̵͝A̛!̧͝” She laughed. She looked like a nightmare straight out of Cars 3.

Oprah Car continued to laugh as the truck roared to life. With a squeal of tires, it suddenly ran over Thanos. The purple man screamed in agony as his bones became crushed. After all, he hadn’t been drinking his milk.

“HEY!” Jimmy suddenly yelled. “LEAVE HIM FOR ME!”

A fireball hit the roof, making Oprah Car fly off of Thanos with a burst of fresh air. He looked up to see Barry tumbling backwards. Oprah Car flipped over, rolling a couple of times before it was conveniently sent flying off the roof, making Oprah scream in rage. Thanos coughed through the smoke, looking up to see Barry stumbling around in the air as he tried to keep flying.

He was about to thank Jimmy for saving his ass again, but then remembered that the angry short man wanted him dead. Ben Shapiro, his only ally, was now a pancake. Everyone else was against Thanos.

The purple man exhaled shakily. He was going to die.

CHAPTER 15: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC

The ghast started to lower onto the roof towards Thanos. Through the smoke, he could see Obama T-posing in the distance. As the smoke started to clear, Obama suddenly intersected it. “Stop,” he demanded. “This is not what our country needs. We are a strong, united nation.”

“I usually agree with you but I want Thanos fucking dead,” Jimmy responded. Chester looked over the edge of the ghast apathetically, probably trying to judge if a fall from that high would be enough to kill him.

“I hate to agree with Mr. Shapiro…” Obama began, casting a glance over at the flattened Ben Shapiro. “But the main threat to our nation right now is Shaggy. He poses a serious threat to our nation’s security. We’ve been trying to contain him in Area 51 for decades, but he keeps breaking out.”

“And how strong is Shaggy, exactly? Last time I checked he was a cartoon character.”

“He is stronger than all of us put together,” Obama explained. When Jimmy just looked down at him dubiously, the former president went on. “You know about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I assume?”

“Uh...yeah? What’s that got to do with-”

“We only bombed Japan once.”

“...Oh shit.”

“Now do you see why Shaggy must be stopped?” Obama raised his voice to the stormy sky, his suit flapping in the wind. “We must all work together as one to stop Shaggy!”

“Before he checks on his meatloaf!” Thanos gasped.

“I’m sure he’s already checked on that by now,” Chester pointed out. “I mean, we’ve been out here for like, what, an hour?”

“We’re the protagonists,” Jimmy mumbled to him. “Haven’t you ever seen a movie, Chaz? The protagonists always have time to stop the villain. Just, like...relax.”

Chester stared off the ghast again. “I want dead.”

“Don’t we all,” Jimmy replied unsympathetically.

“Well?” Obama asked, gazing around at everyone. “Do we all agree to unite against Shaggy?”

“I’ve been trying to tell all of you this from the start,” Thanos grumbled. “We need to stop Shaggy.”

“I’ll help,” Chester replied loudly. “But only if Obama gets me pizza after.”

“I would be honored to get you pizza,” Obama replied, hands on his hips as he smiled up at the Linkin Park guy. His suit continued to billow dramatically in the wind.

“THIS IS BOGUS,” Trump announced, already turning around and going back inside. “FAKE NEWS. I’M AN IMPORTANT MAN, I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO. I’M GOING TO GO FIND STORMY DANIELS AFTER I CALL KIM JONG UN NAMES ON TWITTER.”

“GOOD! GET LOST!” Jimmy threw an empty beer bottle after the president. Thanos flinched a little as it shattered, leaving broken glass all over by the door and probably the back of Trump. The door slammed shut, and the 5 of them (6 if you included the Shapiro-pancake) were left in silence.

“YO͞Ù ̡WI͝L̕L ̴A͢L̕L͡ ̷SU҉FFE͞R AT ̴TH͢E ́HAN̨D͘S OF SHA̡GĢY̕,” Barry smirked. He hovered up into the air, and kept going up higher until he was out of sight.

Thanos watched him go. Well, that wasn’t very surprising. “Uh...what about Ben?” He asked, glancing over at Obama. “He said he had ‘personal business’ to sort out with Shaggy.”

Obama glanced over at the Ben-pancake, slowly approaching him. Thanos walked up to join him.

Ben Shapiro looked like a cartoon character that had just been flattened, to put it simply. Given that logic, he was probably fine. Thanos grabbed Ben Shapiro by the shoulder and started to pull him up.

“Leave it,” Jimmy growled. He clearly didn’t like Ben Shapiro either, especially seeing as he’d referred to him as an “it”.

“We need all the help we can get,” Obama told him before Thanos could retort. “We must put aside our personal grievances for the better good of finally stopping Shaggy.”

Ben Shapiro popped back to life after Thanos pulled him up. “WHAT HAPPENED.”

“Ninja got kidnapped by crusaders in an ambulance, Oprah got hit by a train but came back to possess Thanos Car only to get knocked off the building, and Trump and Barry left,” Thanos explained briefly. “We’re going to confront Shaggy now.”

“...Excuse me what the fuck.” Ben Shapiro did the corresponding hand gestures to that meme. “Wait a minute...Ninja had the beer!” He whined afterwards, but nobody cared. After all, it was Heineken. Fuck that shit, man.

“Do you agree to unite with us?” Obama questioned him, stepping forward. “To defeat Shaggy once and for all?”

“Of course,” Ben replied simply. “I have personal business to address with Shaggy, after all.”

Obama nodded in approval.

“There’s still one person that hasn’t agreed…” Thanos looked up to glare at Jimmy, who glared back at him. “Jimmy?”

“That’s the Jesus of Suburbia to you, motherfucker.”

Thanos had to close his eyes very slowly. He had to try very hard to contain his temper. He let out a long, internal sigh.

“Jimmy? That’s the name you gave him?” Chester asked quietly, his brown eyes narrowed slightly. “Really, man?” He asked exasperatedly before looking down at Thanos. “That’s not his name, y’know. It’s Bi-”

“WHATSERNAME.” Jimmy shut him up with a smack to the face. Chester hissed and muttered something, rubbing his face as he turned away.

“Please, sir,” Obama exhorted. “It will be for the good of the country.”

“What’s he gonna do?” Trump suddenly asked, sticking his head out of the door. “Rant about me on stage again?”

“FUCK OFF AND DIE!” Jimmy screamed at him. He made the ghast shoot more fireballs as he yelled that. Trump noped out of there quicker than Zayn left One Direction, leaving the fireballs to pound against the iron door.

“We’re getting nowhere with this,” Thanos muttered to nobody in particular.

Just in time for the plot to start moving along, the door to the roof swung open. Jimmy stiffened visibly, probably expecting to see Trump again, but it wasn’t the orange man.

Instead, it was a blocky man with a diamond helmet and matching diamond sword. He stared up at the ghast, rectangle eyes narrowed. With a sudden leap in the air, he slashed at the ghast. The ghast screamed and shot a fireball at him, which he dodged.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Jimmy yelled in a way that sounded a lot like Robbie Rotten. Chester let out a “WHOOAA!” as he slipped on the ghast a little, grabbing onto the side of it and hanging on tightly.

The blocky man ignored them and continued to fight the ghast. It was obvious he had done this before, judging by how he slashed and dodged with a learned practice. He’d hit the ghast, it would turn red and scream, shoot a fireball, and the block man would dodge it. Rinse and repeat.

There was an agonizing screech from the ghast as it fell on its side, turning dark red. When the ghast fell on its side, Jimmy was left hanging off it, and Chester was on the top of it. With a sudden puff of smoke, the ghast disappeared.

“Oh god,” Jimmy gasped quietly, looking down at the ground below them.

“Oh fuck,” Chester added, following his gaze down.

They stayed in the air for a couple seconds, like in a cartoon, then both started plummeting down.

Thanos may have caught Jimmy if he hadn’t been such an asshole. But he had been, and so Thanos instead caught Chester.

“Oh shit thanks man,” Chester breathed, standing up after he recovered from being caught in Thanos’ arms. Jimmy wasn’t as lucky, and wound up landing on Ben Shapiro somehow. It was a good thing he was so lightweight, or else Ben Shapiro probably would’ve turned into a Ben-pancake again.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Jimmy demanded as he shoved Ben Shapiro off, glaring fiercely over at the block man, who was just standing there blankly.

“Yeah man,” Chester added with a scoff, folding his arms across his chest. “What’s your problem?”

The blocky man said nothing. He just continued to stand there and stare blankly at them with his rectangle eyes.

“Uh...can you talk?” Thanos asked, waving a hand in front of the block man’s face.

The block man continued to stare.

“Say something you asshole!” Jimmy snapped, smacking the block man in the face. He jumped and flew backwards a bit, letting out a sudden, loud “OOH!” as he was hit, briefly turning red.

“What the FUCK?!”

“I think that’s Steve from Minecraft,” Ben Shapiro spoke up, arms folded lightly across his chest.

Since I have no plans to actually finish writing this book anytime soon, I'll just spill the beans...

The battle ends by Shrek freeing himself and beating the crap out of Shaggy as All Star plays from somewhere. But then Shaggy says he's sorry and everyone makes amends and has fun yay happy friendship.

At the end of the book, Thanos and Shrek get married, with both Jimmy and Shaggy as the best men because why not, and Steve Minecraft as the pastor. All the other characters from the story are the guests. At the reception, Jimmy gets drunk and offhandedly reveals his true identity, which has honestly been pretty obvious during the whole story if you pick up on any of the references or comments. By the time Thanos is like "hey wait a minute" he leaves rather quickly and goes home. He never has any major parts in the series again. Maybe not even any appearances. I'm not sure yet.

Shaggy still has feelings for Shrek of course though. So Thanos and Shrek agree to accept him as their BFF, making a nice platonic love triangle.

Other characters:

-well Jimmy left quicker than Zayn left One Direction
-Donkey is drunk somebody help him oh god oh fric-
-Thanos Car gets a nice bowtie
-Chester just vibin
-Ben Shapiro and Ninja leave together and probably start dating or something
-Oprah accidentally let out a bunch of bees during the reception oh FRI-
-Barry is elected leader of said bees
-Obama bravely tries to contain the bees
-Trump wasn't invited to the wedding but if he was he would've been stung by the bees
-Steve Minecraft is rapidly throwing flowers at the bees
-Donkey is still drunk
-is Chester crying in the bathroom
-seriously somebody help donkey
-oh god this wedding is ruined thanks oprah

If you're curious about what the plans are/were for the next books...

Book 1.5 - Distractions of Dismal Dismay: Steve Minecraft makes out with a lamppost for like 5 pages. Frisk is hiding behind the lamp, horrified and probably scarred for life.

Book 2 - Generations: Fiona finds out about Shrek's romantic involvements with Thanos and Shaggy. Angry, she takes the kids and runs off to an unknown location. Shrek seeks the help of Thanos and Shaggy, and on their journey they recruit John Wick from Fortnite. But, in doing so, the love triangle turns into a love square...